September 1, 2003
Greetings from behind the chaos,
There are six people who live here, plus the hundred or so
children who visit each day. We generate
a lot of dirty dishes, as you can imagine, and since we are a civilized group,
we make attempts to wash the dishes before we use them again. Clean dishes are a mark of an advanced
society, rarely seen in primitive cultures where they rely solely on take out
food.
When I was a single person, I didn’t have a dishwasher, I
washed my dishes in the sink. There were
only a couple things to wash since I usually ate over the sink anyway. Silverware could be cleaned immediately after
use by wiping vigorously against my blue jeans.
Whenever I was entertaining, I would soak the dishes in a solution of 1
tsp vinegar, and 1 tsp ammonia and one gallon of water, and then serve corndogs
on a stick, which were consumed standing at the sink, filled with the
aforementioned solution.
Nowadays we have a dishwasher, a really good one with a lot
of fancy features. The dishwasher is
designed to wash dishes, but really has become an extension of the cupboard, by
which I mean that there are almost always dishes stored there. The reason is because no one knows if the
dishes in the dishwasher are clean or not, and if you open the door to look,
someone might ask you to put the dishes away.
A regular question in our kitchen is “Are these clean?”
I know some people who hang a little sign on their
dishwasher that has “Clean” and “Dirty” on either side. Then all they have to do is remember to turn
the sign over at the right time, and later to believe they remembered to do
it. Our fancy dishwasher has a little
readout that says the dishes are clean, until you open the door and sneak out a
glass, leaving the rest of the dishes in dishwasher limbo. The rest of the dishes will be put away
‘later’, a time that has been more accurately described in the book of
Revelation.
So, the counter near the dishwasher becomes sort of staging
area for the dishes waiting to be washed.
When that area is full, then dishes go into the sink, then on to the
rest of the counter until we reach the toaster.
When we run out of dishes, or reach the toaster, it is time to empty the
dishwasher. That’s when we make
ourselves scarce.
You might suggest that we consider paper plates to reduce
the number of dishes. (Maybe you weren’t
going to, but it helps advance my theme, and after all, who is running this
show?) Yes, they are gauche, and not
environmentally friendly, but when it comes to my convenience, I’m willing to
risk the ire of tree hugging Miss Manners types. If there is such a type and if they have such
an ire.
I don’t mean the fancy Chinette brand, I’m talking about the
“Bonus Family Pack” which you can buy anywhere for 99 cents for 5000
plates. Of course you can’t actually
separate 5000 plates, they are usually stuck together 122 at a time. These are so thin that we have accidentally
served them as soft shell tortillas, which wasn’t all bad with enough salsa on
them. The net result is that we wash
fewer dishes, but we all have paper cuts from the plates. Perhaps I have digressed from my original
theme.
In the past, I would hesitate to load the dishwasher,
because I have been told that there is a right way and a wrong way to do
this. There are all manner of pins and
racks and pockets and holders in the dishwasher, and each must be used
appropriately or we violate our warranty, and/or the Versaille treaty. After my first orientation, which included a
video and hands on demonstration, I became a little intimidated. There is a manual to follow in case I am
unsure of my method. Rather than risk
the ire of the manual, and the woman holding the manual, I sometimes choose not
to load the dishwasher. Not in a fit of
pique, mind you.
But, I am a grown man with significant life experience, and
I might add, I’m a little bit of a rebel.
I have moved past my fear of manual-holder retribution, and have taken
to loading the dishwasher pell mell and willy nilly. When the trays are filled with dirty dishes,
then I put an unmeasured amount of soap in the little tray, and close the door,
and in my most rebellious manner, I push the ‘AutoWash’ button.
I have also on occasion, usually when the dishes reach the
toaster, emptied the dishwasher. I don’t
always know where some of the more unusual stuff goes, but I can usually get
the glasses and plate put in the correct cupboard. Yes, I know the coffee cups go upside down
and the glasses go upside up. No, you
don’t mix the small forks with the big forks in that little tray because who
knows what that would lead to.
Not long ago, and I am purposely vague on the date, I was
feeling particularly industrious and not a little rebellious, and decided to
empty the dishwasher. I put the plates
on the plate shelf and the cups and the glasses in their area, dealt the forks
and spoons and knives into the correct slots.
It wasn’t until I reached the pots and pans that I noticed the hardened
scrambled egg. A closer inspection of a
few of the forks showed some spaghetti sauce between the tines. Hmm.
Perhaps these were not clean dishes after all.
But now I have a dilemma.
How can I go back and identify all those dirty dishes I put away? I could go back through every shelf and every
drawer and search for signs of food on each dish and fork. Or I could take everything out of each shelf
and rewash the whole shebang. Hmmm. What should I do? Even better, what DID I do?
Enough time has passed that my decision is not really
important. The important thing is that I
am continually advancing as a human being, learning things, trying things, and
along the way, helping other people.
That’s what’s really important.
Hope this finds you using the phrase “Fit of pique”,
David
Copyright ©
2003 David Smith
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