March 15, 2010
Greetings from that one guy who writes EVERY dang week,
“Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other
plans.”
From John Lennon’s song ‘Beautiful Boy’
This quote has inspired me to start several thoughts:
Life is what happens to you when…
… your elbows are on the table.
…your credit card statement arrives.
… you wake up from a deep sleep while driving on the
expressway.
And this week, these words have been echoing in my head: Life is what happens to you when you are
complaining about life.
After decades of practice I can listen to people complain
about things without getting too emotionally involved. I’ve come to learn that this is just how some
people process things, how they make conversation. I have a Kevlar tolerance for complaining,
but I have to admit that lately my patience has worn thin.
For many people the purpose of complaining is to vent, to
let off steam, deal with suppressed emotion.
It also becomes a place to assign blame, to appear superior, and maybe
even occasionally to develop solutions. Complaining
is a way of exerting control over an obnoxious situation. Some people complain to be the Town Crier,
others so that you know how hard their work is.
Whatever the purpose, if your mind is cranking out the list
of complaints, it changes you. Research
has shown (a phrase often used to support a vague yet harmless fabrication) that
when we complain our vision blurs, our hearing dims, we can only smell the putrid,
and only hear the caustic. In layman’s
terms, when we complain we stain our brain.
I think the level of complaining has ratcheted up a
little. People are dissatisfied with
many things these days and the best way to deal with that, especially if they
are feeling helpless, is to just complain about it. Here is a short list of some of the
complaining I heard yesterday afternoon:
Politics, health care, daylight savings time, pennies, air travel, cell
phone coverage, rap music, kids today, foreigners, donuts, puppies. Yes, even puppies.
At some point, if we are honest, we will recognize
complaining is usually selfish, narrow minded and immature. I think we all need an occasional turn on the
grumble-go-round, but some of us are staying on for the little rush we get when
we get really get going. It can be
addicting, and it has its own gravitational pull. If you are complaining I guarantee you will
attract other complainers.
It is self destructive.
Retelling the dramatic story of how there was no valet parking or the
mail came late or how bored you are or the popcorn is stale again, is a toxic
pool. It is self pity that blinds you to
the perfect sunrise, ruins your favorite song, and distances you from the
people you like. At times whining is self
fulfilling; “Poor me, and now look, poor me again.”
So if we wanted to stop, how to do it? I have some ideas, but before you read them I
want to suggest something. It’s not an
original idea, but the first time I read about it a few years ago I thought it
was remarkable. And intimidating.
The concept is simple.
Try to go one whole day without complaining. If you snorted derisively just now it is
either because you think it would be easy, or because you realize that it might
be impossible. So, if you’re feeling
confident or challenged, let’s give it a shot.
Here are some ideas on how to battle the bellyaching:
- Replace complaining with
something else. I recommend chocolate.
Or smooching. Every time you feel the urge to kvetch,
eat a Dove bar or kiss your sweetheart.
You’ll feel silly at first, but I guarantee you’ll get over it.
- Be grateful. For everything
you can list to complain about you have something to be grateful for. It is an immutable fact that you cannot
be unhappy and grateful at the same time.
If you’re not unhappy you’ve got no business complaining.
- Be compassionate. You want to complain about that guy who
always gets to park right by the door just because he’s in a
wheelchair? Trust me he’d trade
places with you in a heartbeat.
- Serve others. There is some built in humility here,
which makes it challenge to get a ‘poor me’ gripe session going.
- Quit the gang. The next time someone says, “Wanna know
what really bugs me?” Tell them “No
thanks.”
I’m picking one day this week and committing. I challenge you to do the same. Pick 24 hours, promise yourself you are not
going to complain, and tell someone who will hold you accountable. Write me and let me know how you do.
If we are going to build a satisfying, fulfilling, exciting
life, it’s up to us to choose what to include and what to leave out. You have to choose, and then act. Maya Angelou said: “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change
your attitude. Don’t complain.”
Hope this finds you in the middle of it,
David
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