January 14, 2013
Greetings from where I hold my nose,
“The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while
Nature affects the cure.” Voltaire
Right now there is a team of incredibly smart people working
on a project to send a manned spaceship to mars. There are billions of dollars of resources
devoted to this project, which so far has produced remote control robots which
are capable of digging dirt. One might
question the sensibility, given the state of the world, of working so hard to
reach such an airless, inhospitable place as Mars.
The goal, as I interpret it, is to cure the Common Cold.
Liquids are leaking out of me at alarming rates. I am sore all over from the convulsive
coughing, and I have permanent layer of goose bumps on my skin from the chills,
and my head feels like someone pumped an extra 1000 psi into my skull. I am mildly delirious, just far enough from
my ordinary state of disorientation to be of concern. Just trying to connect the dots here, but I
think what may be happening, in layman’s terms, is my brain is melting and
leaking out of my nose.
For those of you who have not had this experience, this is
the Common Cold people are always referring to, capitalized here for its importance
in my life. This not a regular Common
Cold; this is the Common Cold that I have.
Naturally I want to be over this illness as soon as possible
so I did a little research to find out what other people do to cure their far
less serious version of the Common Cold.
I read somewhere that you should starve a cold and feed a
fever and also the exact opposite, so I am doing both. I have it all diagramed out on some Kleenex tissue
somewhere. (See above reference to delirium.)
There is an endless list of remedies for colds. As far as I can tell they all work because so many people know someone who knew someone whose mother swears by this method or that. The only folklore subject more conspicuous on the internet is stories about Big Foot or Obama’s birth certificate.
Everyone has a sure fire solution for colds. First there is the culinary approach. A variety of foods, starting with chicken
soup, are thought to aid in the cessation of a cold. But what’s more interesting is the food
people put ON their bodies.
For example, spreading a mustard poultice on your chest, or
there are several solutions that include garlic, either hung around the neck or
applied in a poultice under your arms. I
will say this method would definitely limit the number of people who might
catch your cold. One home remedy cited
using horseradish and olive oil to rub into your sore muscles to help with flu
symptoms. Also makes a great addition to
your ham sandwich.
A surprising number of people recommend onions in your
socks. At first I thought this was
ridiculous, unless there are orthotic onion inserts. But upon further consideration I saw it this
makes as much sense as goose fat rubbed on your chest, which a lot of people swear
by. I have not spent a lot of time
looking, but yesterday when I was at Rite Aid, I did not see goose fat
anywhere.
This just speaks to the level of desperation people reach
when trying to get well.
Echinacea, a word that was invented during a bout of
vigorous sneezing, is one of many herbal solutions for colds along with ginseng,
eucalyptus, rosemary, and licorice root.
(No indication if they refer to red or black licorice root.)
Of course there is the theory about Vitamin C, which in
spite of scientific proof, people will still use in great quantities to ward
off Big Foot.
There are lots of home grown recipes for drink concoctions,
usually involving whiskey, lemon juice and honey. One is the ‘Two Hats’ recipe. This is where you get in bed and put your
favorite hat at your feet. You drink
your whiskey potion until you see ‘two hats’ and then you go to sleep. This doesn’t actually help your cold, but it
takes your mind off the smell of garlic, onions, and horseradish.
Vick’s Vaporub is commonly mentioned in cold remedy circles,
not as a cure but I think as additional torture. Some eat it, some spread it on the lips or
the chest, some put it on the soles of their feet, the logic being to get it as
far from the nose as possible. I believe Vick’s was invented to spare the
modern person from having to make disgusting poultices that smell like a pizza
is being made.
One possibility no one has discussed is that Kleenex tissues
cure the common cold. At the first sign
of your brain melting out of your nose, begin applying tissues. Within a week, your cold will be mostly
gone. So far this is the method I have
found most effective and the only side effect is a red nose.
And so back to NASA.
For a couple generations they have had to listen to the adage “If they
can put a man on the moon why can’t they cure the common cold?” NASA is upping the ante, hoping that in the
20 years or so it takes to get to Mars some cold solution will be found and
they can shed this strange reputation.
At the very least they can start over on a germ free environment where
people don’t smell so bad.
Hope this finds
you resting comfortably,
David
Copyright © 2012 David Smith
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