August 21, 2006
Greetings from my gravitational influence,
Based on comprehensive research, speculation, and most
importantly, a large dose of my imagination, I find that many people turn to
this weekly essay for inspiration, information and as a distraction from the
more aggravating issues of the day. I
take this responsibility seriously, and every Monday morning I make every
effort to provide a string of words. When possible, with questionable
punctuation. Today will be no exception.
Recently the International Astronomical Union announced that
the approval of a new definition of what makes a planet. This new development
will allow certain objects in space, formerly anonymous rocks, to be named
officially as ‘planets’.
First, I’m not sure why the International Astronomical Union
gets to name planets. I don’t remember
being consulted about this, or voting on it, or even having the policy forced
upon me by elected politicians.
It seems like if we are going to name planets, which clearly
is our right as people at the center of the universe, it would be more
appropriate to appoint a major advertising agency, a world leader or Oprah
Winfrey. But somehow it has been left to
astronomers, who don’t even get my daily horoscope right.
Regardless, it’s important that the common people weigh in
on this topic. We cannot afford to have
a repeat of the unfortunate planet naming that we have suffered through in
generations past, leaving us the unofficial laughingstock of the galaxy. I’m making some astronomical assumptions
here.
We have planets named after moderately priced sedans, candy
bars, a cartoon dog from Disney, a division of Ford, and a world class tennis
player. Jupiter and Neptune I think were
named after the kids that Angelina Jolie adopted. No one really knows who named ‘Earth’, and we
cannot even discuss how the planet Uranus came to be labeled.
The whole point here is that we cannot leave this important
job to astronomers. Right now there is a
planet waiting to be named, which so far has the spicy moniker ‘Object 2003
UB313’. I can’t wait for the poetry this
will inspire.
Which leads me to the solution that I am sure is already
obvious to every sensible reader of this weekly wisdom. Elvis Aaron Presley.
Elvis Presley, officially named by the International
Musicians Union as the “King of Rock and Roll”, unofficially passed away 29
years ago on August 16. There are still
a few fans that are holding out for one last tour, but I think it’s safe to say
that he’s had his last encore.
What better tribute to Tupelo’s favorite son than to honor
his memory by naming a lifeless rock in space after him? And at the same time, we can give the
International Astronomical Union an example of what ‘cool’ is about.
We cannot risk adding yet another “Uranus” to our solar
system for our children to gaze up at for inspiration. We have to act now. Call your official union representative of
the International Astronomical Union and let them know you want the next planet
to be named after the greatest star ever to wear enormous sideburns: Elvis
Presley.
In a rare moment of synergistic clarity I have taken two
monumentally insignificant current events, and combined them for what might
unofficially be the most implausible, ridiculous idea ever printed. Of course, you realize that’s what makes it
so likely to succeed. I’m so impressed
with myself I may go into politics. Or
astronomy.
Hope this finds you spinning on your axis,
David
Copyright © 2006 David Smith
No comments:
Post a Comment