Crow

 

December 5, 2022

 

Greetings from the dogmatist,

 Wherein, I liberally apply the use of parentheses, (a sinfully underused part of the keyboard).

 There is no word to label what I am going to describe to you, as far as I know.  I can say that with conviction because I used the Get Out of Jail Free phrase, ‘… as far as I know’, or, if we were texting, AFAIK.  (Not pronounced as it seems.)

 To my point: I have an opinion about crows that I am very confident in, and which may be completely baseless.  I don't feel compelled to change this opinion, in part because whether it is accurate or fair is irrelevant.  Crows don’t know or care about my opinion of them.  Also, I am sure I am right, and that’s my right.

 As you know, (a phrase you may use to get people to agree with what you are about to say) a group of crows is known as a ‘murder’.  This is not a flattering appellation, one that we would never confer on a group of humans or any other species that might hear about it and take legal action.  Nevertheless, this is the framework upon which I build my crow opinion.  Not one among us, other than the three sociopaths, would find ‘murder’ an appealing term. Need I say more?  (The answer is yes, since we have only written 222 words so far.)  (I am using the ‘royal we’ here, as this is a solo act, but a classy one.)

 Crows are scavengers, often seen on the side of the road dissecting some hapless creature, already humiliated, and now being devoured to add insult to injury.  When I use the phrase ‘add insult to injury’ in this circumstance, I mean it both literally and figuratively, a rare confluence that we should pause and enjoy, in spite of the imagery.  But to return to the point, crows victimize dead animals.

 Corvus brachyrhynchos, the fancy dinosaur term for crows, are bigger than many other birds, so one could assume they are bullies.  Their call is rough and hoarse as if they are angry all the time.  I think it’s reasonable to say that they are not nice just based on how they sound.  I think it’s also reasonable to say that most people would not choose corvus brachyrhynchos for a baby name.  What does that tell you?

 As far as I know, crows have no opinion about me, personally, but they may have formed attitudes about human beings as a group.  This tells me they are a prejudiced lot, and so I am justified in being as careless about my attitude toward them.

 There are people who don’t agree with me, people who know birds, and here I don’t mean ornithologists, but rather ‘bird people’, which is not what you think it is.  Well, the ornithologists might be, but if you were thinking that ‘bird people’ are half-human half-emu, then it was not what you thought.  As far as I know.

 Bird people, by which I mean those ardent observers of our feathered friends, will tell you that crows are much more complex and sophisticated than generally thought, and perhaps even beautiful.  Which gives me pause.  (If you are reading this out loud to someone, be sure to explain that ‘gives me pause’ means I am considering something, not that someone has given me an animal’s foot.)

They would say that crows are very intelligent.  They have a good memory, they learn from other animals, and they work together well with other crows.  They can use tools, they remember faces, they know which humans are a risk and they are capable of sharing that with other crows.  Crows live a long time, so what they learn can be passed on for many years, meaning that whatever they believe about us is practically institutionalized.

 Bird people might elucidate further, noting that crows do not mainly feast on carrion, (the previously mentioned roadkill, not the small luggage that won’t fit under the airline seat) but enjoy a broad palate. Crows eat worms, insects, fish and Taco Bell, for example.

 One might conclude, after listening to a bird person, that crows deserve a certain level of respect that I, for one, have not put forth.  Well.  I might mention that I have rather shaded opinions of bird people also.

 Recently, a friend told me that someone told him that blue jays are mean. (The birds not the baseball team, we didn’t get to them yet). I’ve heard the same thing, so now we all think it’s true.  Many of you are nodding or talking to the screen, agreeing.  (I have also heard that people who talk to their screens are more likely to give cheap Christmas gifts.)  So, I have been looking at blue jays differently, and in spite of their more attractive plumage, I’m going to lump them in with crows. 

 Even so, it occurred to me this week that I may have been unfair to crows.  You might say “So what?  It’s not like a crow is going to find out and be offended.”  Yes, that’s a perfect answer.  Let’s use that, making it easier for me to keep my opinions intact.

 I have other baseless opinions about other animals, and a few about some of you, that I won’t share here, since I may have already made my point, and I dare not alienate more people than those who have read my work and gone away mumbling.  Still, I could make statements about possums, groundhogs, cats, snakes, feral pigs, and other animals I know nothing about except my beliefs about them.  (Note that I didn’t succumb to the easy laugh by using ‘dogmatic’ in reference to canines.)

 I began, some 951 words ago, by saying that there is no real term to apply to this unfounded belief I have about crows.  There may be, but even without having a word to label it, (whatever it is) we all know it when we see it.

 Hope this finds you intractable,

 David

 

 

Copyright © 2022 David Smith