June
14, 2021
Greetings
from the lashing,
Making ends
meet.
I have not
thought about using this term in a while, in part because it has been enough
years between now and the days when I was budgeting my pennies so close to think
of the phrase from a personal perspective.
Or what it means. I’ll spare you
the research; no one knows its source really.
We assume from how it’s used what it means, and now we use it without
regard, practically.
The gist of the
answer is maybe five hundred rears old; sailors would repair ropes instead of
replacing them, by lashing damaged ends together, making use of what they had. The other common answer is the idea of tightening
your belt when money is short, those ends around your waist. And just as likely, the accounting reference
of making the end of the balance sheet meet, both expense and income.
I realize no
one comes to this space for the history of idioms; me either. But it helps to set the stage, absurd as it
may seem.
Earlier this
morning, about an hour before I was really awake, I could hear thunder from the
storm that is idling here. I thought of
a word which made me smile and led me back to the last bit of sleep I wanted.
In the last
few weeks, I’ve been fortunate to have some adventures, to push past some of
the restrictions we have all struggled with. There has been running and climbing and reading
and sharing important things and being astonished and exhausted. Also, sitting idle with no plans to fill those
moments, and no guilt after. It has been
an emotional time, with some crying and a lot of laughing, maybe more laughing
than in the last five years. And, to
present you the word from 3:39 this morning, more joy.
This time has
given me a perspective, a bit of contrast, and I’m reminded that for me, and maybe
for many of us, it can be a struggle to make ends meet when it comes to our own
joy.
Long ago, another
life it seems, I walked into a bank and tried to cash a check and was instead
given a hollow feeling. The feeling that
comes right after learning that the money had run out before the days in which
I needed it. I had failed to make ends
meet.
That hollow
feeling has surfaced in other times, but not because of my finances. Some days, in a moment of reflection, I
realized that I was overdrawn on my joy account. I realize how that may sound; joy is such an
ambitious word, as if it can only be achieved in some crescendo moments in
life.
There have been
days, weeks maybe, where I would struggle to make ends meet. It’s different, I think, when you are not
talking about finances. It’s easier to
shortchange yourself in other ways. There
are diapers to change and lawns to cut and bills to pay and things to worry
about. There are tragedies and injustices,
there are chalkboards filled with problems that cannot be solved. How can we aspire to joy when faced with the
overwhelming ache of living?
The way this
would materialize is that I would reach the end of a day or a week and realize
I didn’t have enough joy to make it to the next payday. So, I would go without, go hungry, to borrow
a term. That hollow feeling, the sense
of lack, which for me was often something I didn’t even identify, grew in my
core like a dark flower. Maybe I thought
it was a badge of honor to feel that hollowness, a part of being a grown up to
feel the sacrifice of that light. Of
course, I was wrong.
This is not a demonstration
in self pity. For me it is a realization
that sometimes, too often, I had the joy in my account, I just didn’t know how
to make ends meet. I didn’t know how to
lash the ends together to make what joy I had go as far as I needed it.
Because in
truth joy exists in each moment we are given, not just mountain tops or
birthday parties. It is tucked inside
grief, inside monotony, inside inscrutable dilemmas. It is in rainstorms in the dark hour before
you are ready to end sleep. Just writing
this delights me. There is joy in this
morning, and it’s not meant to be saved for a special occasion.
It takes
practice, but with effort we can learn to find the bright spots in our day and link
them together to create a life that feels richer and more colorful, more satisfying. Think of the most joyful person you know and
imagine how they would do it. With song
and other people and giving and forgiving and celebrating and reliving and singing
and savoring and sharing. They do this
in the face of what would conspire to make them feel hollow.
You have the
means to make ends meet, we all do. Don’t
go hungry when there’s no need.
Hope
this finds you solvent,
David
Copyright
© 2021 David Smith
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