Halloween

October 30, 2017

Greetings from the Scream,

If my research is correct, which involves consulting a variety of sources including a calendar, tomorrow is Halloween.  These calculations provide for a margin of error of 3% or 10.95 days, so you should check local listings.

As a public service I occasionally will provide helpful information about important issues including things I know nothing about. I know what a treat this is since normally you have to wait for White House briefings.  Today I will focus on Halloween because I have already mentioned it in the first paragraph and it’s too late to go back.

First, we do the numbers.   

This year Americans will spend $9.1 billion on Halloween.  Just for context, this is more than the entire GDP of the Bahamas and 53 other countries including Mauritania, which I thought was from a Marx Brothers movie. Another way of explaining this number is to imagine lining up 9,100,000,000 dollar bills end to end; they would reach from earth to the moon and back, and then back to the moon again.  And still have enough left over to buy enough candy to change diabetes numbers in California.

I am 100% confident no one has uncovered this important statistic before today.  There is almost zero information on dollar bill related distances on the internet, particularly relative to earth/moon/Halloween references.

Not counting illegal trick or treaters, we have about 323 million people in the U.S., of which 24% are expecting their parents to pay.  That means each American will spend about $37.00 each on this one night event.  I know I am not spending anything, and my next door neighbor is turning off her light this year, so that means someone nearby is spending $111.00.  I’m not complaining, just doing the math.

Included in this massively frightening national budget is yard decorations, and I’m not talking about just pumpkins.  You won’t have to look far, every neighborhood has the inflatables, the light shows, the artificial cemeteries.  This is the method that homeowners market their home as a place to get free candy.  It is a strange competition, unlike any other economic model I’ve seen.

For the uninitiated, what takes place on Halloween is that children go from house to house and extort their neighbors.  There is a mild, veiled threat to each homeowner that their property could be damaged if there is not some duty paid.  This usually takes the form of candy, although there is a sect of teachers who for some reason think they can avoid retribution if they offer pencils or apples or dental floss.  But I digress.

One of the major expenses in this event is the cost of costumes.  Children disguise themselves in various distracting outfits so that presumably they cannot be identified later in a line up should the whole house-hostage negotiation process disintegrate.

Previous generations of children were forced to fabricate their own costumes from pillow cases, Hamady sacks and aluminum foil, which evidently violated child labor laws and certain licensing and copyright agreements.  Nowadays, (a real word) if you are going to dress as a Marvel Brand superhero, you have to purchase your costume at an Authorized Retailer.  Economists may draw a direct link between this development and the previously mentioned earth/moon dollar distance.

My research has shown (through vigorous Facebook scrolling just moments ago) that a large percentage of adults are dressing up in costumes this year.  Evidence indicates that Wonder Woman is one of the most popular choices.  I should mention here that before you decide to dress as the Amazonian Warrior you should ask your most critical sibling for her input first.

Of course part of this hysterical spending is to provide costumes for pets, who do not have an income stream and in all likelihood would not spend it this way if they did.  I am not here to advance my opinion on this subject, but if humiliation is a form of abuse then someone may want to make the ASPCA aware of this comical tragedy.

I know that Halloween spending does a great deal to stimulate the economy, and it appears as though Americans of all ages enjoy this largely victimless holiday, (not considering the mortified pets and candy’s role in our national obesity epidemic).  My role is simply to provide a perspective you may not have considered, which might have been for a good reason.  In light of all that I wish you all a safe and enjoyable end to October.  In the words of Rufus T. Firefly: “Go, and never darken my towels again!”

Hope this finds you very afraid,

David

Copyright © 2017 David Smith