Chess lesson

October 16, 2017

Greetings from the novice,

I am learning how to play chess.  Those words may cause some people to wince, particularly considering my short attention span, impatience, and the fact that I don’t like to learn new things or look stupid or lose.  Or play chess.

It is widely held that chess was created in the far east perhaps in the sixth century, definitely before Netflix.  Originally the players would sit on the same side of the table while playing so they would not be tempted to hurl the chess pieces at each other.  This changed in the seventh century because of all the stabbings, when the players had to be separated.  I may have made some of this up.

The chessboard in our house held basically the same space as my golf clubs.  Gathering dust, months and years piling up and coating all the motivation with a thick layer of inertia.  Both chess and golf have remained on the Permanent List of Things I Will Do Someday When I Have Time.

Chess is a lot like golf.  In both cases there is a certain amount of patience required before giving up and throwing things into a pond.  I really have no business making this comparison given that I have less than zero experience in either game/sport.  I do know I would not spend a Sunday afternoon watching someone else play either game/sport.

Chess is a lot like checkers. No it’s not.  Other than the board looks similar.  Some boards can be folded up and used as a rectangle.  This is handy when trying to keep dust from accumulating in a rectangular area. 

There are 64 squares on the chess board but I’ve found that you don’t use many of them if your opponent takes your pieces using some complex Kasparavian strategy that works really well against someone with a short attention span.  I know the number of squares on the board (64) because I stared at them so long while trying to remember which way the Pawn can move.

I have not reached the point where I can employ chess strategy, other than to wait until it’s my turn to move.  I am too tied up learning which way the various pieces can maneuver.  It’s exhausting.  Consider the Knight:

“The Knight shall not move to a square which is adjacent to itself, neither in a straight line nor that of the diagonal.  The Knight shall first only move two squares, and the number of squares it shall move first shall be two.  Three squares it shall not move, nor as previously described, not one square for that is one two few.  Once the Fair Knight hath moved two squares, then only shall it move to the left or to the right, of its own desire, and advance then only one square. If in its journey this Noble One should find others of its party, it may regally leap over them to achieve its quest.” 

There are sixteen pieces on my side of the board and in theory I am supposed to know what to do with them to somehow get them in position to vanquish my opponent.  So far all I have been able to do is memorize the names of the pieces: The Pawn, the Clown, the Studebaker, the one with the Pointy Hat, and then the Queen and King. I think that’s sixteen.

My first game was fun, I’ll have to admit.  Fact is the game is so complex I didn’t realize I had lost until I realized my wife had already left the table and was loading the dishwasher.  (I thought it was a very involved chess gambit.)  I was still sizing up my next foray when she turned off the lights and went to bed, which at the time seemed like a bold move to flank my queen.  Since I can’t actually be sure which piece is the queen, it could have been in the dishwasher for all I know.

Chess is a lot like a kid’s birthday party.  It starts out all neat and orderly but then chaos ensues and someone is going home unhappy.  Hmm, still not it.

What I have learned so far is that chess requires thinking.  This is an activity I am not intimately acquainted with, but even at my advanced age I’m probably ripe with potential.  It’s not like I am unfamiliar with the concept of thinking but like a lot of things it’s different in application versus reading about it in a comic book.  I have also learned you don’t say ‘Checkmate’ after each move.

For a short time I thought I might be a chess prodigy.  Until I actually played chess.  And then looked up the word ‘prodigy’.  This has also cast a shadow of doubt on my dream of being a violin prodigy.

Chess is like a lot of things you could enjoy if you employ these two ideas; enjoy the process instead of focusing on the outcome, don’t take it too seriously, and most important keep your head down and your eyes on the ball.  I think that’s more than two, but you get the point.

Hope this finds you castling,

David

Copyright © 2017 David Smith