Maple Conspiracy

September 5, 2016

Greetings from the dendrologist,

I’m writing this with the hopes that if something happens to me there will be a record that will warn others.  You might think this sounds a bit melodramatic, but only if you haven’t seen what I’ve seen.

Outside the door to my den there are invaders.  I thought at first they were harmless, but during the night I woke up, startled with this thought: Howard Sprague.  Well, yesterday I was trying to remember the name of the county clerk on ‘The Andy Griffith Show’, so that’s what woke me up.  But what kept me awake was wondering how these seed pods are getting into the house.  More important: why?

Some of you already know what I’m talking about; the helicopter pods that the Maple trees spray into the yard this time of year.  I suppose I hadn’t paid attention before, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  But now I understand what’s happening. 

Every morning they are there.  It started with a few, and I dealt with them, not really concerned, but now it’s an infestation.  Or an incursion. 

Seed pods everywhere.  I swept up a dozen or so and went to bed and this morning there are more.  I don’t know how they get in.  In the living room there are some on the coffee table.  I know, I thought the same thing: they were watching TV.

Ever come go into a room and find a light on, and everyone in the house says they didn’t leave it on?  Doesn’t it make you wonder?  I can’t prove anything but I’m going out on a limb: It’s the seed pods.

You laugh.  You are thinking of when you were a kid and you would scoop up a handful of these and throw them in the air and watch them twirl.   Harmless whirlybirds, propeller seeds, copter-pods.  Maybe you even pealed back the epidermis and stuck one on your nose. We all did.

There was this one kid in my neighborhood used to stick one on his nose and keep it there all day.  Sometimes he’d stick them on his ears.  Nobody knows what happened to him, we were stumped.  Maybe he moved away and we can’t remember his name and no one knows what I’m talking about.  Or maybe something else happened.

Some of you are reading this and nodding, maybe with your mouths open, (not the people yawning) aghast.  Because you realize I’m not barking up the wrong tree.

I did some research this morning and found out that there are more Maple trees in Michigan than any other kind of tree.  They seem friendly, innocuous, benign.  They make good shade trees.  Some of them offer syrup.  Why should we be afraid of them?

Maple trees are clogging our gutters, filling our yards and our landfills with their litter.  They are dropping dangerous logs in our roads in inclement weather, the worst possible time.  Wake up! Maple trees are trying to take over.  ‘Only God can make a tree’?  Are you kidding?  They are duplicating themselves out there by the millions.  And we are doing nothing to stop them.  They even have lobbyists in Washington.  Tree Huggers.  The global warming myth fits right into the trees’ plan. 

Do I have to point out how many men have heart attacks raking Maple leaves every year?  Don’t be a sap: it’s more than a coincidence. 

Canada, the second largest country in the world, has one of the lowest population per square mile.  Huge country, very few people, and lots and lots of Maple trees.  And notice, there is a maple leaf on their national flag.  Hmm.  I checked and found there are lots of Maple trees in northern Michigan, but not a lot of people.  Hmm. Hmm.  See any pattern here?

It doesn’t take a genius to see the connection, and you all know I am no genius.  But I did the math:  Lots of Maple trees = not a lot of people.  Well, a small part of that is math.  The rest of it was words, just so you see I know the difference.  I don’t want to lose my credibility this late in the essay and lose your attention. 

Maple trees are out to eliminate us.  They tried out-living us and that was taking too long.  They are in my kitchen.  Maple trees have made their way into my house.  They’ve taken over the yard and now they’re branching out. 

Hope this finds you leaving,

David

Copyright © 2016 David Smith