Invasive Species

Greetings from the devine,

It was introduced in the south in the late 1800’s as an ornamental plant.  Its vines spread so quickly it became a threat to other living plants around it.  It shot up trees, over homes, bridges, anything that didn’t move.  It covered millions of acres, and went from being ornamental to aggressive, choking the life out of whatever it covered.  It became a reason to have the phrase ‘invasive species’.

I remember making my way through Mississippi and asking someone what it was and they told me and I loved the sound of the word in my head.  Kudzu.  I thought it was beautiful the way it coated things, made them graceful.  That is when I was told how dangerous it was.

I woke up with an idea.  I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and it was fresh in my mind, burning bright.  I was surprised at myself.  I could see the path I would take, saw the first steps, felt passion behind it.  I felt the idea filling me up.   I wanted to tell someone about it.

What we think is often what drives us, directs our actions.  Some days it is easy to manage our thoughts for our own good.  Other times we find our mind crowded with competing emotions and words and thoughts that coat our best intentions and overwhelm them.  It can be so subtle, so insidious, we don’t always know it is happening.  It doesn’t always matter.  And then it does.

We all rationalize, for example.  We have ways of protecting our ego by creating a framework of reasons to justify our actions, which sometimes avoids the true motivation.  It’s natural and every human has their own version of it.  It’s not hard to let it grow.  We can even see it happen and not change our thoughts until it is too hard.

I have this idea, it feels like a good fit.  I have to flesh it out a bit, I am not positive how realistic it is.  It’s a good start.  I will work on it later.  Maybe just get the outline on paper for now.  After I walk the dog.  And take out the recycling. I should start a list.

Most of us carry around the double edged sword of pride.  It can be so uplifting, pulling us through tough times with the strength of other accomplishments, or of our own worth.  And pride can blind us to what is good for us, keep us from our best selves.  Pride creates imagined slights, prevents us from an apology, or from asking for help.  It makes us afraid to fail, or to appear weak.  Proud thinking can seem so beautiful, and cover so much more beauty.

Some days our thoughts are choked with resentment.  We cannot see anything without feeling it is aimed at our failure.  Envy creeps in.  Others are succeeding, I’m just as worthy and I’m failing, and why is that?  Anger begins to grow.  We look for reasons to fault people who are working hard at what makes them happy.  The resentment climbs into each nook, clinging to the graciousness, the generosity, the admiration, the gratitude.  Choking it all into something else.

This idea, seemed like a good one at the time, hours ago.  I thought: ‘I should write that down, do something about that.’  But I am so busy.  So busy.  Busy, busy, busy.  I will write it down later and do something about it then.  So busy right now, can’t possibly deal with it til later. Busy.

Fear.  Self-doubt.  Second thoughts.  Sometimes they are disguised as rational thinking, or being sensible.  All of us have let our courage be sapped by being ‘sensible’.  Fear of failure, of ridicule, of losing something,…fear can take hold in that half-awake moment in the middle of the night, and by morning it will have covered all of your dreams.

I mean, not every thought that comes into my head is a good idea.  I can make a note and think about it when there is time, maybe in the summer.  Get a good pen and paper, sit out on the deck.  I should powerwash the deck.  What I need is a good system for keeping track of ideas.  Like a spreadsheet.  I can get to that next week. 

I have made my share of mistakes, and then some.  There are moments when those mistakes rear up and shake themselves at me, and I wince at bad choices, or choices not made. Regret will bloom and blossom.  It is sneaky sometimes, and once in a while I will see it attaching itself to places in my mind where I am surprised to find it. 

This inner dialogue, the words we say to ourselves while we make our coffee, is of our own making.  I am guilty of letting some of these things grow, lulled into believing that because I thought them they are always legitimate.  I am sometimes actually comforted by my mental kudzu, even knowing that it can be destructive.  I watch it grow, sometimes realizing it is covering my best self, because it allows me to take a less challenging path.  At least in the short term.

I had this idea, sort of a fantasy I guess.  It was impractical, but you know, I hadn’t thought it all out.  It was probably not all that great, but you know how it is when you first wake up.  Honestly the more I think about it, the less I think of it.  I should focus on my priorities.  I’ll have more time to deal with daydreams later, when things settle down.

Hope this finds you cutting back,

David

Copyright © 2016 David Smith