What do you do?

October 19, 2015

Greetings from the next question,

One of my favorite parts of any day is meeting people.  It probably developed having spent my formative years as a wanderer in the company of strangers, often dependent on them.  I didn’t set out purposely to develop people-meeting skills, it is an outcome of my work, my ongoing search as a writer, and of my natural curiosity.

When meeting someone new,  most conversations will hover around finding what we have in common; people, activities, types of food, families, movies, sports, favorite vacation spots. It is natural for us to ask each other questions that will lead to common ground, where we establish rapport.  We are social animals, and faced with a new person, we want to establish a place where we can safely share information.  We look to see if in any way we are from the same ‘tribe’ as the person we just met.

 In the vast catalog of questions that open conversations, there is this;

“What do you do?”

Years ago I read a book by Po Bronson where the author claimed that Americans were the only people who asked this question of strangers.  In some western cultures, he suggested, it is considered impolite.  It was the first time I had ever thought of that as possible, ugly American that I am.

There are people who may find it intrusive.  There are probably people who have examined the motive for the question, perhaps too deeply, and found that it minimizes the life of the person asked.  By asking ‘What do you do?” I may be judging your career choice, your potential income, your IQ, your value to me.  Perhaps. 

Or maybe I am just trying to get to know you.

Regardless I have been more careful ever since to leave the question out of the Level One conversations.  It has not made much of a difference since eventually people tell me what occupies their day, or what they ‘do’.

What you do may be a reflection of who you are or be totally irrelevant.  You may have far more interesting parts of your life that express who you are, and that would make for good conversation.  I am thinking of interactions I have had with cab drivers, some of the most interesting people you can meet, and there is no way you could sum up what they ‘do’ as “I drive a taxi.”  ‘Stay at home’ parents can hardly say “I shape lives to make the world a better place.” with any modesty, but “I’m a Mom” is not sufficient. It’s not a satisfying or complete exchange for most people.

I think asking what someone does for a living is a reasonable question in getting to know another person, and most of us don’t just stop there.  Your occupation, of course, is only a part of what you do, and what you do isn’t all of who you are.  But how much of that will be shared standing in line at Starbucks?

For a while I grew weary of the question so when asked I used to tell people I was ‘with the FBI’.  I did this mostly to see people’s reaction, because among the many things I do, I am also a smart aleck.  I was once at a party where I did this and before I could correct it my new friend was introducing me to other people as an FBI agent, which made it impossible to reverse the process.  This probably did very little to prop up people’s faith in the quality of hiring at the FBI.

The question is usually innocent; it is a way to learn about the other person, to see what you may have in common with them, which often leads to more conversation.  Most people when asked don’t feel cornered to defend their career choices, whether they are a waiter or a barber or a movie director. If they love what they do, they express it, and if they don’t you learn even more about them.

When I travel the question inevitably comes up, but it different ways.  “Are you traveling for business or pleasure?”  “What brings you to Fargo?”  I don’t avoid the question, but I do leave the door open for more.  I am a runner, a parent, a writer, a businessman, a consultant, a voracious reader, and none of those things are all of what ‘I do’.

Peter Sagal, host of  ‘Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me’, always asks “What do you do in life?” which leaves room in the response to talk about your work or your hobbies or your family.  There are countless ways to open a conversation with a stranger that don’t focus on their career.  All that it requires is imagination and real curiosity. 

In fact, I am interested in what people do for a living. I have met trapeze artists and tree farmers and book editors and waiter/actor/directors, and their choices intrigue me, as well as the path that led them to their work.  I’ll go back to where I started: I enjoy meeting people, because I want to know their story, and often they begin by saying where they are today, and what they do for a living.

After all of this I realize that asking ‘What do you do?’ excludes too much.  I am interested in careers and work and what is satisfying, but honestly the rest of what I learn about the people I meet usually overshadows what they do for a paycheck.  The only real challenge is being quiet enough about me and what I want long enough for others to share who they are. 

Hope this finds you curious,

David

Copyright © 2015 David Smith