Halloween

October 26, 2015

Greetings from the cobwebs,

You’re going to have to help me invent a word. 

Dr. Seuss invented the ‘Grinch’ character and his name alone has become synonymous with cantankerous anti-holiday grumbling. There is no similar appellation for Halloween, and so we have found a void in our lexicon that must be filled. Otherwise how would you describe me?

I enjoyed Halloween when I was kid, and for years it was a pleasure to take my children out to trick or treat.  For some reason though the bloom has gone off the pumpkin.  

I really don’t get into the spirit of the event.  I don’t care for scary movies. I am not going to spend big bucks on inflatable decorations for the house. I don’t eat candy.  I’m very aware that my county has the highest obesity and diabetes rate in our state so handing out candy seems irresponsible. (Getting the flavor yet?) 

For a few years I managed to be indifferent about Halloween.  It was easy since I didn’t have to be involved, so live and let live, right? Still, I roll my eyes at the $7 billion dollars Americans spend on Halloween candy and costumes for their pets and decorations that cost more than my car.  I grit my teeth over the politically correct, non offensive, gender neutral, peanut free, guidelines for kids’ Halloween attire. 

Wet blanket, party pooper, spoilsport, killjoy, stick in the mud; these are good places to start, but they don’t capture the real essence, and they lack that Seussian flair.  Perhaps this will inspire:

I’ll put a pumpkin by the door

And pick up candy at the store

But I will confess, standing at my screen

I do not care for Halloween

Trick or Treat sounds like a threat

If the candy ransom is not met

I’d risk turning off the front porch light

Except for fear of vandals smite

It’s not that I mind those who cavort,

Or costumes of a scary sort

But since the time I passed fourteen

I do not care for Halloween.

Princesses and cowboys and heroes with capes

And floozies and ninjas and puppies and apes,

Witches and zombies and here’s no surprise,

Some costumes so obscure I have no way to surmise

Spoiled toddlers and teenagers who’re surly,

Makes me want to turn in early,

I really don’t want to make a scene

But I do not care for Halloween

I’ll welcome the mummies and monster spawn,

And hand out the candy until it is gone,

I’ll try not to let on in between

I do not care for Halloween

There is a word for this kind of person, but it needs a Dr. Seuss flavor to it.  Once I have a name I’ll write a story about it that you can read to your kids next Halloween.  Here’s a few to choose from: hit REPLY and vote for your favorite, or offer your choice name for Halloween’s nemesis:

Grumpkin.  Spookmudgeon.  Dwozer. Narshmink. 

Hope this finds you handing out raisins,

David

Copyright © 2015 David Smith