Deflategate

January 26, 2015

Greetings from the hubbub,

Even if you live in the strange periphery of society that I inhabit, where sports news rarely registers unless it somehow affects the price of gasoline, you no doubt have heard about Deflategate.

I will admit I am looking forward to the Superbowl, the one football game I make a point to watch.  However, if you had asked me two weeks ago which teams would likely make it to the Big Kahuna of football, I would have had a hard time focusing long enough to answer.

But when I heard about a team deflating its game balls by a fraction in order to win a game, I’ll admit it caught my attention.  Drama, conspiracy, intrigue, asinine denials!  A clever appellation harkening back to the 1970’s!

This isn’t ordinary cheating.  Not like too many steps taking a lay-up, or a theatric flop in soccer to stick an opponent with a yellow card.  This isn’t nudging another car in the far turn.  It’s not fighting with loaded gloves or running with springs in your shoes.  It’s not steroids or spitballs or pine tar.  It’s not players betting against their own team.  This is a different kind of cheating.  It’s hilarious.

I have done a lot of research on the subject.  So far I have heard that teams want every edge possible in the game, and so it is theorized that the Patriots somehow altered the game balls to make them easier to handle. 

So far opinions are pretty much even as to whether deflating the balls make a substantive difference or not.  From Bill Nye the Science Guy to has-been high school equipment managers, everyone has weighed in on what effect the deflation would make on the plays.

Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick has helped the subject by doing an exhaustive, impartial,  scientific investigation and reporting to the media on his findings.  The best summary of that outcome is that he has created a lot of Seattle Seahawks fans.  I only wish he would have added a little comedic symmetry by echoing “I am not a crook.”  Each time I see an interview with Belichick on this subject, I am reminded of this Mike Birbiglia quote: “What I should have said was nothing.”

So, let’s say for the moment that the underinflated balls produced a better outcome for New England.  Coach Belichick states the team did not tweak the pigskin, and he would have no reason to prevaricate.  So who did? 

There is one theory that the balls were deflated by the Seattle Seahawks, so that that they would be paired with New England in the Superbowl, where they would crush Tom Brady and his soft balls.  There are other suspects.  ESPN.  CIA.  ASPCA.  ASCAP.  North Koreans.  Obamacare.  Mike Birbiglia.

It could be the balls were affected by Global Warming.  A change in temperature, and barometric pressure, could be the culprit.  In which case we can blame cows, camels and pigs, (make your own pigskin connection) which all produce ozone-depleting methane.

It is possible that the referees had a hand in the cheating; everyone knows they bet on the game’s outcome.  (Ask anyone who watched the Lions get cheated out of a Superbowl run against the Dallas Cowboys.)  Another theory is that the people with the most to gain are responsible: NBC and the NFL.  The fact is, the more people talking about this controversy the better the viewership on Sunday.  Ad revenues alone could be in the $300 million range, and that’s a lot of motivation.

This could be the best thing for the Superbowl since wardrobe malfunctions.

The other epiphany I had was this: If New England really deflated the balls and it actually made such a difference that they annihilated Indianapolis (45 to 7) then OBVIOUSLY we should deflate ALL the balls to 11.5 PSI.  We would see some excellent football.

Hope this finds you full of air,

David

Copyright © 2015 David Smith