November 10, 2014
Greetings from gawky couture,
Advancements in human creation propel us into new challenges
and opportunities. Man creates the
wheel, which eventually leads to the three car garage, which eventually
necessitates garage sales.
Technology has impact on our lives that we have only begun
to understand. It will continue to make
our lives easier and better and challenge us in ways we haven’t thought
of. Prepare for the sartorial angst.
The first mobile phone I owned came with its own bag, which
I carried like a purse, crushing the stylish shoulder pads in my double
breasted suit. When I went to lunch I
looked like I was checking for radiation at TGI Fridays. It was cumbersome and awkward and
ostentatious.
Thankfully, cellphones got smaller and didn’t require 8
pound batteries to run them. Once they
got to the size of the clamshell flip phone it was possible to carry your phone
without making it look like you were the accessory to a communication device.
Phones got smaller, then they got smarter, then they got
bigger. Now bigger yet as one
manufacturer tries to outdo the other with wider screens so we can more
comfortably watch movies while we walk to the car.
Men are at a loss with how to deal with this, because now
there is no sensible way to carry our portable phones. We can force them into the front pants pocket
creating the impression that we have a rectangular cyst manifesting in our
upper thigh. Or wedge the phone in a
back pocket, perhaps balancing our sciatic problem caused by our wallet bulging
in the in the other pocket.
Now sitting down is a challenge. No matter what pocket the phone is crammed
into, you risk bruising the body or cracking the screen. Enter a solution: a protective case to keep
the phone safe. While we are guarding it
from damage as we sit down, let’s add
protection from dropping it into the toilet.
Now you have tripled the size and bulk of your cellphone.
It has stopped mattering how much you spent to get your suit
tailored to fit when you have to carry your cartonphone around. Slip it into the inside pocket and your
jacket hangs to one side, like you’re packing a phone book, and that slim
Euro-cut profile you paid for ends up looking like you bought an irregular
off-the-rack suit from Big Lots.
Rather than risk the rebirth of cargo pants, some designer
have included special pockets inside suits, customized to handle
smartphones. This fad, I predict, will
go the way of legwarmers and safari jackets.
(Which would be GREAT to carry a phone in)
There are a few people who choose to carry their phone
clipped to their belt in a holster. I
have been cautioned by well-intentioned friends that this is one step away from
carrying a fanny pack. Unless you are
Batman, don’t carry a utility belt.
Women have a different set of challenges, and a different
set of solutions. In summer it is fairly
common to see phones wedged into décolletage, waistband of sweatpants, and in
the tiny unusable back pockets of skintight jeggings. Women have solutions in purses. Large voluminous crossbody messenger bags or
tiny wristlets, there is room for the phone to be carried safely and sensibly.
But most women, like most men, have given up on practicality
and simply carry their phones in their hands.
Since we are always fiddling with them, calling and texting and sharing
and taking pictures of our desserts, it’s important we have them close at hand.
So we can forget them on desks, tables, counters, shelves,
toilets, and the top of our car. Not to
mention drop them as we fumble with the other essential items we carry
around. Like sync cords, portable
chargers, headphones and Bluetooth earbuds.
There could come a day when ‘wearables’ will be legitimate accessories
for the well-dressed person. Perhaps we
will wear our cellphones as watches or sunglasses or jock straps one day, but
until then we are like cavemen dragging around our club. I know, it is such a burden.
Because I am a man I am qualified to say I have no idea what
I’m doing. I need a way to carry my
phone, and its accoutrement, without making my ensemble look a shambles. Maybe a little leather bag I could carry over
my shoulder, like the size of Geiger counter?
Hope this finds you packing,
David
Copyright © 2014 David Smith
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