Selfie

 

 

September 13, 2021

 

Greetings from the awkward angle,

 

I like to think that I am coordinated.  It’s not true, but I like to think it.

 To be clear, I am not referring to being coordinated in the sartorial sense.   As I write this, I am wearing loud plaid pajama pants combined with a garish running t shirt.  And sandals.  One might assume I have been participating in a bizarre triathlon.

 I’m speaking of physical coordination, at least of a particular sort.  I suspect I am not alone in this deficiency, and if it turns out there are enough of us, we can start a support group. 

 I am coordinated enough to get through my day without crashing into the furniture while walking through most rooms.  I’m not going to be doing any complicated gymnastic maneuvers, but I can still bend over to tie my shoes and not tip into the carpet.  Unless I feel a nap coming on.

 My confidence in my dexterity is mostly based on my memory of my twelve-year-old self, which may be a tad optimistic.   I believe I can balance on a train rail, or catch a football, skip, or dance without looking like I’m having a seizure. 

 I probably would not impress you with my juggling ability, or the famous rub your tummy/pat your head exercise.  I suspect I could not pass a field sobriety test, completely sober, since touching my nose or standing on one foot is just outside of my wheelhouse.  And I can’t do the alphabet without singing.

 I’ll admit I am not as agile as I have been, but I have tried to sharpen up.  I have practiced yoga, though no one would recognize it as such due to the staggering and cursing.  My favorite poses are ‘YMCA’ and ‘Sleeping Man’. 

 Fact is, despite my well-appointed ego, I am not as coordinated as I once was, or thought I was.  And so that sets the stage to introduce what I will call Selfie Snafu Syndrome.

 Thanks to the latest developments, (latest on a five-year-old cell phone) it is possible for most people to take pictures of themselves to add variety to their portfolio of various meals, puppies, and political insurrections.  This delighted me until I found that I had SSS.

 If you have ever held up a hand mirror to see the reflection of the back of your head in the wall mirror in front of you, and for some reason you cannot even FIND your head in the mirror, you my have a feel for what I experience taking selfies.

For the most part, Selfie Snafu Syndrome doesn’t impact me since I delete all the photos I take of myself that look like I pushed the wrong button while trying to make a call.  Close ups of my shoulder, or sometimes whatever is behind me.  Once in a while my feet get featured.  No one cares how uncoordinated I am in the privacy of my own home.

 It's when I take a group ‘selfie’ (we can rename that later) that it becomes an issue.  Nearly every group picture I attempt features the lifeline of my palm, or people sitting nearby.  It is a rare moment when I get the friends I want in the picture, and even then, it is an out of focus shot of the tops of our heads.

 I tell people that my arms are not long enough.  My brother likes to pour derision on my substandard phone, or occasionally cast aspersions on my substandard IQ.  Derisive aspersions aside, for some reason, my hands are not in communication with my head; they are simply unaware of each other’s existence.  (By the way ‘Derisive Aspersions’ is a great name for a rock band.)  The truth is I have a disability worthy of a 5k fundraiser. 

 Perhaps there is some sort of complex therapy I could get that will resolve this, or some expensive drug, or maybe a weeklong retreat at an exclusive selfie spa setting that specializes in caring for people with my troubling syndrome.  All I need is to gather financial support to seek answers.  I’m sure others with this heartbreaking disability will want to help fund it.

 I have done some research, (a phrase I like to use which means ‘I made this up while drinking coffee’) and found that Selfie Snafu Syndrome is a relatively new issue but scientists (real ones, not the ones that make vaccines and fluoride or send people to the moon) are already working on solutions to make it possible for people like me to produce forgettable pictures of myself with my friends and family.  I get a little teary eyed just at the thought of it.

 Maybe the day will come when my erratic dexterousness will be matched with my desire to capture myself and friends in awkward poses, some with their eyes closed, but we can only hope.  Until then, I’ll rely on the kindness of strangers and waiters and other tourists, (and my brother) for my group photos. 

 

 Hope this finds you in focus,         

 

David

 

  

Copyright © 2021 David Smith