June
15, 2020
Greetings
from the stands,
A few months ago when things began to shudder under the weight of Covid,
one of the early casualties to normality was spectator sports. Naively, I believed that the juggernaut of televised
sports would resist. When billions of dollars
are at stake, and a nation of rabid fans are waiting to be distracted, I felt
certain that somehow sports would continue.
But I was wrong. Admitting I
was wrong about something I don’t know anything about is not an earthshattering
revelation. Here I was going to insert a
sports metaphor for how little I know about sports, but you an see my conundrum. Perhaps just that last sentence says it all.
Crowds evaporated and so did the players who performed for them. There were some weak attempts at sports in empty
venues, but that was just sad. And
prompted the existential question: If a ball drops in a stadium and there is no
one to see it, is it fair or foul?
And so we moved into this unprecedented sports purgatory, now a trademarked
era called ‘Sporgatory’.
According to scientific research, which may be invented by me for this
paragraph, the human brain has evolved from the primitive hunter/gatherer phase
to the more advanced watcher/eater stage.
This development aligned perfectly with advent of spectator sports which
connects with the need to see athletes perform arcane gyrations while ingesting
hot dogs and hoagies.
Just as we as a specie have reached the apex of our development, sports
were removed from our world. It has
created a void in the collective fan-psyche.
Sports fans have done their best to fill the need, watching the talking heads
review stats from the last games, now months old, and making predictions about
trades between teams that are currently on hiatus. Hiatus, as you know, is an island off the
coast of Florida where millionaire athletes shelter their endorsement income.
Of course, it’s not just hard for the spectators, the athletes have
suffered too. (Pause here to consider support groups for sad millionaires.) Some die hard fans (not fans of the Christmas
movie, I mean dedicated sports nuts) have taken to wearing their logos on their
Covid masks to show support. (Google: ‘millionaires
lives matter’)
Recently the Chinese Professional Baseball League started its season. One team, the Rakuten Monkeys (not made up by
me for humor purposes) is filling the stands with robotic mannequins so that
the players don’t feel silly as they perform, particularly arguing with
umpires. The robots are programed to boo
the Monkeys whenever they make a bad play. (Boo The Monkeys may be a perfect name for the
next great rock band and/or software company.)
There is no way of knowing when the pandemic will fade to the point
that sports can return to filling the stands with happy fans booing their
favorite teams. There has been some talk
about having the teams play spectatorless.
There is already some experimentation with this concept over the last
decade or so, including WNBA games, cricket matches, spelling bees, whittling
competitions, and curling and caber toss tournaments. (Curling and caber toss
are not actually one event, but that would definitely boost viewership if they were.)
Recently we visited my mother in law who introduced us to her friend Hilda,
a spry 90-something who lives next door.
I was told that Hilda loves sports, all kinds, watches everything. I said to her that it must be hard now, with
the dearth of athletic events. She chuckled
a little and said that she watches reruns of all the games. She is losing her memory so she can’t remember
if she has seen them before or how it turns out. So, it’s all the same excitement to her.
It’s possible that Hilda has achieved the apex in sports maven
evolution. I will say, parenthetically,
(but without the use of parentheses) that Hilda has forgotten more about sports
than I ever knew. At any rate, I can imagine
that any real sports aficionado would envy her place in fan development. To her every game is exciting, every play is
breathtaking, every score is the winning point.
In some ways, it may be a place to aspire to for anyone, including the
sports atheists, among whom I am numbered prominently. (Numbered Prominently may also be the perfect
name for the next great rock band/software company.)
Hope
this finds you purgatorial,
David
Copyright
© 2020 David Smith
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