Taper Town

April 8, 2019

Greetings from the precipice,

“What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.”  Theodore Roethke

It is highly unlikely that you have considered micromorts this morning, or possibly any morning.  The word refers to the scientific risk estimate that any activity would result in death.  A single micromort is a unit of measurement: this activity or that has a one in one million chance of resulting in the Big Sleep.

Why, you are asking yourself, would anyone be considering this morbid topic on such a beautiful morning?  Welcome to Taper Town.

A little background for the initiated, and those who think they don’t care yet: in the last weeks of training for a marathon, it is typical for the athlete to reduce the running and training so that the body can heal from the rigors of the previous dozen weeks of work.  This is known as tapering.

The word taper is meant to sound gentle and gradual, as if one were gliding in for a peaceful landing in a field of down pillows.  (I am laughing maniacally on the other side of the screen at this image.)  In fact, the taper is more like stumbling over the edge into a bottomless abyss, where you are certain on the way down you will catch a cold.  Or pull your hamstring.

I was just now feeling my ribcage.  One side feels different, there is a little more space between the ribs on the right.  That’s not normal is it?  I am going to check Web MD, but if anyone out there has experience with it, please contact me.  No crazy people please. 

Thankfully, after running more than 50 marathons I have evolved past Taper Madness.  I know what to expect, and I have adapted.  I feel bad for my fellow runners who come crashing into this chaos in the last week before running Boston. 

Just because I am not dealing with Taper Madness doesn’t mean I should not consider micromorts, or its cousin, micromalady: which might predict the 1/1,000,000 chance I will catch dengue fever or other potential sicknesses before next Monday.  I am not completely stupid.  Even now I am wearing two surgical masks as I write this because it has never been proven that you can’t catch a cold from people on the internet. (See ‘computer virus’--duh!)

In the past I will admit I have succumbed to Taper Tantrums, brought on by a minor grumpiness in the absence of running long distances.  The body goes through a real change during taper, when the physical demands go down and the time to worry goes up.  The symptoms are similar to drug withdrawal, including phantom pains, cramps, twinges, pings, shortness of breath, and ohmygod why am I so freaking tired?  Plus you are willing to commit crimes with little provocation.

Running the ridiculous, puny miles during the taper often feels like your legs are filled with molasses, a natural part of the process. Unless something is wrong, like bubonic plague. Talking with other runners is usually no help because they will say things like “The hay is in the barn.”  And my response would be “What a STUPID metaphor.  What am I a farmer?  I’m running a very challenging marathon in a week and I don’t appreciate rural themed aphorisms right now, especially when my piriformis is so sensitive!”  Whew, I am sure glad I’m past all that craziness.

Hypochondria is fairly normal.  So is paranoia, although I don’t think studying micromorts counts.  There is a certain hypersensitivity to your body, like being aware of your blinking and all of your skin follicles.  Those are normal, right?  It seems like I have a lot of follicles.

There is also a tendency to overanalyze everything you know about running.  What you will wear, your shoes, the training program mistakes, what to eat and drink, when to sleep or for how long and with whom, (no one with a cold).  This can lead to certain compulsive behavior including buying new running shoes, three alarm clocks, and eating red peppers. And don’t even talk to me about the weather.  All this while being moody, racked with doubt, and by the way, with supernatural strength.  Or debilitating weakness.

What’s annoying is that during taper things actually DO really happen, it’s not hysteria.  The pain in my Achilles is real, that is not a figment of my imagination.  And the night sweats, I am not just dreaming those, and I didn’t hallucinate the fact that night sweats are a symptom of cholera. 

It is such a relief not to be going through all of that.  All of the emotional surges, hysterical laughing and spontaneous tears, and questioning yourself.  I still have questions though, like why I can’t find ANYTHING in the refrigerator.  Seriously, if I pull a back muscle looking for the peanut butter, after ALL I have been through, I am going to be very dangerous.  And why am I so bloated?  I must weigh 300 pounds. 

Anyway, there is only a week to go, and I am just going to enjoy it.  Since I am not running big miles I have all of this free time on my hands.  I just noticed that there is hair on the back of my hands, I don’t remember that being there. 

The secret to avoiding the taper is to trust your training.  Focus on some distraction that gives you pleasure.  Stay off ladders, don’t lift anything heavy or go barefoot or eat shellfish, and sleep with a garlic clove in your socks, the lucky ones you ran in that one day when you felt like you could go forever.  Eat a lot of pasta and put Airborne tablets in every serving.  Oh, and count your ribs.  I’m sure there is one more on my right side than I had yesterday.

Hope this finds you overdoing it,

David