January
28, 2019
Greetings from
the great white north,
Today, for
many of us in the north, there will be a shutdown. It is kind of like a government shutdown, but
not the Monty Python skit we all enjoyed watching this last month. This will be caused by weather not theater.
Sometime in the
next few hours a bunch of snow will fall here.
In anticipation of that unusual winter event, the Powers That Be
(capitalized here because it is a real professional organization) will
officially tell the public that the world will shut down. Well, at least the schools and whoever
follows that hilariously erratic example.
At some
obscure meteorologist convention years ago, the brilliant minds gathered there
decided that in order to make weather more interesting they should start naming
snowstorms. Undoubtedly inspired by the
huge success of naming tropical storms, the meteorologists thought somehow this
would make the viewing public more engaged in their weather. It happened in an ironically named breakout
session “Making the Public More Engaged in Their Weather.” And then:
“Hey Dad, what
do you think they’ll name this next snow
storm?” the young
boy asked his father.
“Gosh, son,”
he would say with a knowing chuckle, “Maybe this time they’ll name it after you!”
“You think so
Dad? That would be swell. All the kids
at school will be so jealous.”
“Let’s watch
the news and see if they are going to announce it at 5:20 in between the
mattress advertising.”
Said no two
people ever.
Today’s event
is named ‘Jayden’. No offense to anyone
who already had that name, but it is not a great storm name. Snowstorms should have names like Klondike or
Thor or Frostbite or Widowmaker. That’s
my opinion, but I was not invited to the meteorologist convention because I once
compared them to astrologists. At the
time I thought it was funny because both end in
-ologist and
they both seem to make good guesses by looking up at the sky and hoping no one
remembers their bad guesses. Turns out
meteorologist are super touchy about this and so I have been banned for life
from any future conventions. Same with
reflexologists.
Depending on who
you believe (fake weather news being so rampant) we will either get 3.77” of
snow, or 5-8” or 6-9”. These numbers,
taken from actual weather forecasts with Accuweather Double Doppler –Now with
Extra Brighteners, are also available on rulers everywhere, which is almost as
helpful.
This snow
event has already caused panic in grocery stores everywhere, as people buy
every last loaf of bread or package of Stove Top stuffing in order to stave off
any potential Donner Party incidents, which this close to Super Bowl season
which will interrupt the news cycle and throw the pre-game inanity into disarray. People are already hoarding rock salt and
bottled water and comfort food that no one would eat otherwise, including Fig
Newtons, butterscotch pudding and ginger ale.
There is no professional
organization to predict this other phenomenon, but I, being neither
professional nor organized, am still experienced enough to make this prognostication;
In the hours before the snowstorm’s paralyzing effect, some version of these conversations
will happen.
First there will
be stories about big snowstorms in the past, when the weather was really, really
bad. Remember when the snow was so deep
that we had to go into the attic to walk outside. And everyone knows someone who had to tunnel
to the street to get the mail. THAT was
a snowstorm, not like these puny 3.77” flurries that keeps all the wimpy teachers
home from school these days. Hmmph. (insert various scratching and spitting, depending
on zip code)
If anyone
fails to say that they walked to school in the snow, which no one ever fails to
do, then other old people are allowed to complain that people today don’t know
how to drive in the snow, or rock a car, or use a stick shift, or shovel a sidewalk. This sometimes will elicit a question from a young
person: “What is a sidewalk?”
Another thing
that happens in the pre-storm environment is a comparison of snowblowers. For those of you in warmer climes, these are
machines that are designed to clear snow from our driveways so we can get to
the 20 foot high mound of frozen white that is piled up from the snowplow that
came down our street dammit. (That last word
is optional in the description.) Snowblowers
come in a variety of sizes, from ‘electric brooms’ to the two stage 300 cc 2000
hp Widow Maker. The rule about snow
blowers is: whatever you bought is either too big or two small, and you never
use it as much as you thought you would.
As fascinating
as all of this anticipation is, mayhaps it is much ado about nothing. It is possible that nothing will happen, and
Jayden will be put back in the hat for storm names of the future. As I write
this not a flake has fallen, and so we have only the potential of a
snowmaggedden, which, it turns out, sells just as many mattresses and
snowblowers.
The thing
about this shutdown is that distinctly different from others you may have witnessed
is that, despite the garrulous comparisons of snowblowers and the outrageous ‘my
storm is bigger than your storm’ stories, snowstorm shutdowns ultimately bring
people together. It is something we deal
with as a community. It means pushing
each other’s cars, and clearing each other’s drives, and being in line with
each other to buy the last Fig Newtons. If
we suffer the snow, we do so more gladly in the company of others. Like so many other difficulties it often
brings out the kindness and patience that we sometimes forget we are capable
of.
Hope
this finds you digging out,
David
Copyright
© 2019 David Smith
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