Time Traveler

December 4, 2017

Greetings from the awakening,

I have an ability that might surprise you; time travel.  I can transport myself from this moment to a time in the near future.  I can sometimes combine this with other activities that will coincidentally transport me to different places.  I am capable of time-space travel.

Many years ago I developed this ability as a defense against my children, who at different times for different reasons would conspire to keep me awake at night.  At first this lead to random napping, usually at less than convenient times, like driving down the expressway or eating spaghetti.

As most of you know, there is significant scientific support for napping.  Psychologist have proven that people are more creative, more open to new ideas, more productive, more patient, and are better learners after a nap.  They are also more attractive.  (Some exceptions apply: if you fall asleep with your face on a coil of rope or a pile of gravel can lead to less desirable outcomes.)  What scientists could not fully appreciate is the time travel aspect of napping.

After decades of practice I have achieved the status of Nap Master.  (Previously referred to as ‘Napster’ until an unfortunate copyright dispute with an obsolete digital music service.)  In almost any circumstance I can propel myself into the future.

I situate myself in nap position.  This varies somewhat from sitting upright in my car, to leaning against a stranger at Starbucks, or pretending to look for lost change on my couch.  Then, I focus on a moment beyond the present, somewhere 600 seconds along the ribbon of time.  And then I go.

At the conclusion, I am 10 minutes into the future.  I emerge exactly as I was, (albeit more attractive) and immediately enjoy the benefits of the world in its advanced state.  On the occasion I should be traveling by plane, I tend to fall asleep as soon as I get my seat belt fastened.  Whenever I awake (usually due to someone kicking my seat or asking me if I want a cookie that will absorb all of the moisture in my mouth) I am already an hour into the future and several hundred miles away from where I began. 

It is in this advanced state I arrive to tell you that you too can enjoy the benefits of time travel.

Most people struggle with Nap Guilt, capitalized here to illustrate its importance and imply it is an acknowledged syndrome for which we should not feel responsible.  This is a usually from some misguided thinking that when you take a nap you are supposed to be doing something else.  While there is divided opinions on this, the majority of people surveyed on the subject felt that surveys should be avoided and immediately propelled themselves into a deep REM state.

There are nap support groups you can join to work through Nap Guilt.  For example N.A.P.S., (Not Against Prodigious Sleep) or D.O.Z.E. (Don’t Ostracize Zombie Emulators).  These groups can help you work through your issues, and perhaps in return you can help them create a better acronym.

I have used my time travel abilities to avoid unpleasant chores, to skip ahead through boring movies, to zoom forward to a more desirable event in the future without having to actually wait for time to bring the event to me.  I have occasionally used my skill to get through a difficult conversation, but I should warn you here that this can lead to mixed results. 

Napping into the future has brought me instantly into a new world of great discoveries.  I have awakened to the iPhone, to Mars exploration, to medical advances like hand sanitizer and catastrophic health insurance.  Sometimes I have woke up to a green light, which, while it is not a technological breakthrough, is a welcome change.  Aside from the angry honks of the cars behind me.

But coincidentally I have leapt into a time where there is a plethora of nap accessories.  This tells me a few things about this new world.  First, that there are more time travelers out there.  Second, that other Napsters like me will buy almost anything.

Some nap aids are simple, like the eye shade or a soft blanket.  Others are more complex, and support napping in almost any environment.  The Wearable Futon, inflatable car mattresses, and a whole host of masks and braces and pillows and electronic aids to help the aspiring time traveler.   My favorite is the Ostrich Pillow, a padded hood that the napper pulls over his head to create an isolated sleep-friendly environment, and to scare people around him into thinking that Pod People exist.  Note; wearing the Ostrich Pillow does prevent strangers from talking to you, however do not attempt to pass through TSA while wearing it since it will not prevent tasing.

I share this with you not to boast about my time travel abilities, (which I have and many people who might admire me do not have) but to encourage you to find the opportunity to nap your way into a better life also.  Remember: “You can’t always nap what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you nap what you need.”  (A Napster theme song that was sidelined due to an unfortunate copyright dispute.)

Hope this finds you in ten minutes,

David

Copyright © 2017 David Smith