December
18, 2017
Greetings from
the stranger in a strange land,
The holiday
season is filled with activity that we don’t experience all year, and as fun
and festive as it is, it presents a challenge to a certain segment of
society. Runners.
So, if you are
a runner, here is a guide to the holidays that may be helpful. If you are a non-runner, it will explain a
little the strange behavior you may witness in the company of this strange
group of social interlopers.
Holiday Guide
for Runners
There will be
an array of social situations during the holidays where you will need to
interact with other people who may not be runners. Here are a few things to consider:
It turns out
that not everyone is training for something.
No one cares about your miles as much as you do. If someone asks you how you are doing, it is
not an invitation to describe your lingering achilles injury.
When someone asks;
‘How long of a marathon do you run?’ aim for the shortest possible answer without
pontification and eye rolling. Never
argue with someone who tells you that running is boring. There
will be questions about your knees, but remember that this should not invite
you to explain injuries, or defend the sport.
Also never discuss nipple chafing.
While we are
at it, if you hear yourself saying the words fartlek, interval, tempo, repeats,
lactic acid, anaerobic threshold, bonking, splits or PR, then you need to
change the subject.
It is not
usually acceptable to stretch while making small talk. If your hamstrings are really tight, then pretend
to tie your shoelaces in between conversations.
If your host
offers only appetizers, this is not the place where you carbo load. No, it is not acceptable to bring your own
pasta to a gathering. Mixing protein
powder in the punch bowl is almost never welcome.
New Year’s Eve
parties will sometimes extend past 8 pm.
If you have to run long in the morning, please do not repeat this to everyone
ten times when they ask why you’re leaving five minutes after you arrive. It would really be better to say you’re on
house arrest and wearing a tether.
Wearing tights
to a holiday party is not ok. If it’s a
formal event, wearing your black tights still doesn’t cut it.
If you wear
your Nike Zoom Vaporfly Elite to a New Year event, someone is going to call
them ‘tennis shoes’ or ‘joggers’. Do not
overreact. Don’t hurt anyone. Above all do not engage about the sub 2 hour
marathon.
If you meet another
runner at a party you must ask your spouse or date to put a three hour time
limit on your conversation. Otherwise there
is the potential that people around you will get ‘bored’.
Here’s a good
guideline for any time of year, but especially the holidays: If you are tapering
for an important race, it’s better for everyone if you do not go out in public.
If there is a
Cookie Exchange at the office party, bringing a plate of Builder Bars is not
acceptable, even if you cut them into bite size portions.
Explaining your
Garmin to the Salvation Army kettle person, even if he did ask what time it
was, is not really necessary. Also, do not
put Gu packets in the donation slot. Yes
they are good, but they really want cash.
Spitting, snot
rockets, turbo farting, personal adjustments, and peeing outside are rarely welcome
at sledding parties. Yes, the activity
does resemble a race but trust me on this.
It is acceptable to do hill repeats on the inclines if you are not too obvious
about it.
If you decide
to squeeze in some speed work on the way to the Christmas Musical remember that
you can never really smell your own body odor as well as others will.
Gift giving
for runners can be challenging. For example
if you give Body Glide to your wife or girlfriend, unless she is a runner, there
is going to be a misunderstanding. Same
thing with Thorlo socks as stocking stuffers; seems like a cute idea but it’s
not. If your spouse hints that a day at
the spa would be a good gift, don’t assume giving her a foam roller and a massage
ball will be just as good.
The best
advice for runners during this season is to be yourself, but only while you’re
running. When you are out with regular
people, try to relate on their level so that you don’t scare them. It’s important that runners connect with the
rest of the population so that we gain understanding about our beliefs. Remember to respect non-runners; we need them
to hand out water at the aid stations.
Hope
this finds you fitting in,
David
Copyright
© 2017 David Smith
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