Emmy Awards

September 18, 2017

Greetings from Prime Time,

This morning we will cover everything you need to know about the Emmy Awards.

It has been suggested to me a couple times recently that our dog may have dementia of some sort.  Symptoms of this malady include walking into a room for no particular reason and walking out again, eating at odd hours, random bathroom habits and sleeping a lot.

Shrewd observers might be tempted to point out that this is also the dog’s behavior most of the time, but rather than expose themselves to humiliating criticism or Olympic caliber eye rolls, shrewd observers are best advised to keep their shrewd and yet uninformed opinions to themselves. 

From time to time our dog’s arbitrary comportment will be excused by mentioning his age as 91.  Without any further explanation, you might guess that the dog was handed down for a couple generations from Depression Era grandparents.  Not so.

It is not unusual that you will hear people refer to a dog’s actual age multiplied by 7 in order to achieve another random number that some will refer to as its human age.  I have used this math myself with some pride, in order to ingratiate myself with pet owners who may suspect I am not pet-friendly. 

Minor digression: ‘Pet Friendly’ is a term that I have seen periodically applied to business establishments or other public environments (parks, beaches, coffee shops, airlines) which allow patrons to be accompanied by pet animals.  Shrewd observers might note that when you see a sign like this it is a cue that you should be careful where you step.

The growth of ‘Pet Friendly’ may be sourced in the number of people who have been prescribed ‘Companion Pets’.  These pets are meant to accompany people who take comfort in having their dog/cat/bird/pig/Shetland pony with them to minimize anxiety.  In some cases the pet may be a ‘service animal’ which assists the person in some way.  It appears an admirable partnership and I have great respect for the concept.  Which won’t prevent me from complaining when I don’t understand something or if it inconveniences me in some way.

Recently I stayed in a motel which was chosen using a list of strategic criteria that included location and price.  Other considerations not included were; concierge service, valet parking, rooftop dining, ocean view, or ‘Pet Friendly’, of which none applied, other than the last, in this particular establishment.

Not listed in the motel’s colorful on-line description was the term ‘people-friendly’, which if I were choosing a place to stay and I was a person I might have been encouraged by.  As it happened, in order to sleep comfortably I had to lie diagonally across the mattress in order to avoid the permanent body impression along the parts of the bed normally slept in by what I can only assume were tens of millions of incredibly dense people who preceded me. (‘Dense’ here referring to compactness of mass not their level of intelligence)

Also helpful in sleeping was placing one of the two pillow shaped accessories, clearly not originally designed to promote sleep any other way, over my head so that I would not hear the dogs barking in the rooms above me.

Allow me to pause here in my digression to say that I recognize that I assume a certain responsibility when I choose a cheap motel that allows dogs in the rooms.  I will also say in the defense of animals in general that the odor in my room was probably not caused by pets and probably would not have been tolerated by them.  It was enough to make a dog bark.

So anyway.  There is an almost universal effect that dogs have on people.  (Other animals may also have this effect but I am not qualified to comment, and regardless of my propensity to do so, I will refrain at this time and reserve my right to irresponsibly comment at a later time.)  Dog owners, and usually people who meet dogs, will eventually adopt a ‘Dog Voice’ which is used to communicate with the pet. 

I don’t know what inspires this.  I’m not sure if we think the dog will understand us better if we sound like Bullwinkle or John Wayne or if we use pidgin English with an Australian accent.  The most common filter I hear people use is ‘baby talk’. 

I’m positive you have heard people talking to dogs in a baby voice.  ‘Does Mitzi wanna give mummy kisses? Does her? Yes her does, yes her does!’  That voice.  We have all heard it and most of us have used it.

Which leads me to a new use for the previously described mathematic gyration for converting dog’s age to human years.  Here we will take the human’s age and divide by 7 to get the age they appear to be when using the baby voice to communicate with a 70 year old Shitzu.

This morning I have taken our dog outside three times to attend to his business.  So far he has wandered around in what a shrewd observer would describe as an aimless manner, and neglected to do anything productive.  The thought crossed my mind that he may indeed have lost some of his faculties.  However it’s also possible that he likes my company and has devised a method to spend more time with me.  Which would also support the first assertion because he’d have to be crazy. 

It is also possible that the dog does not understand what I am saying when I ask him if he needs to go out, either because he does not speak English or he does not understand my Cockney accent.

Last night the Emmy Awards were presented on national TV.

Hope this finds you with man’s best friend,

David