Being Wrong

December 15, 2014

Greetings from where I rethink,

Humans are born with all manner of frailties and weaknesses.  We come into the world designed to adapt and survive in spite of them.  Thankfully, we have other humans around us to help or the story would be much shorter.

All of our lives we are presented with learning opportunities, which eventually develop our experience in the world that allow us to make good choices.  To be right.  The more we are right, the better we succeed.

We are trained that this is the process.  Be right, be rewarded.  Be wrong, and you may feel rejected, or alienated, or punished. 

As children, we are wrong a lot.  At first we don’t care, the feeling of being wrong is not important in itself.  At some point in the conditioning, though, we develop a fear of being wrong, we associate it with a weakness or a deficiency.

It is human nature.  Our ego, which we develop to survive, drives us to be right.  To be accepted, to be praised, admired, loved.  At some point we associate being right with being whole. 

And the older we get, the more we protect being right.  We are learning, we are developing the tools to survive, but we are also competing and forming opinions and establishing an identity and a self image.  In that process, it’s important to avoid being wrong.

When we find ourselves in positions of authority, or leadership, we cling to our rightness as a shield to protect ourselves from being dethroned or proven unworthy.  It’s a dangerous place to be.   The longer we are wrong, the more time and passion we commit to an error in thinking or behavior, the harder it is to correct.  Or admit.

Being wrong is embarrassing.  It is a sign of weakness.  There is a sick feeling that says: “Oh no.  I am stupid.  I made a mistake.  I used poor judgment.”  It is an echo I have had in my head many times, but it does not get easier.

I have been driving somewhere, confident that I am taking the best route, and then discovered I was wrong. That’s frustrating.  Now add someone else in the car who told me in advance that I was wrong.  That’s humiliating. 

Ever been in that position and you still defended yourself?  You somehow rationalize your mistake by inventing some elaborate explanation.  Or there was a distraction, or you blame bad maps, or directions from a third party.  I have been there and it’s not pretty.  It’s just sad.

Since we all have trouble with this, let’s look at why other people are wrong, since it’s them most of the time.

Ignorance.  Insecurity.  Inflexibility.  Prejudices.  Assumptions. Misunderstandings.

Bad practices.  Habits.  Narrow mindedness.  Pride.

I’m sure you could make a longer list, but it’s a start.  It’s not a list we want to be used to describe us.  So the best way to make our way through being wrong, is to behave in the opposite manner.

There is a moment that truth, or our perception of that reality, dawns on us.  The moment we accept that what we decided, what we believed, the turn we took, the answer we gave, was wrong.  We feel disoriented, a little afraid, perhaps a little sick.   What we do next, how we choose to respond, learn, will season the quality of our lives. 

I have thought about the people I respect who are good at being wrong.  I find that they are smart, content, self-assured, and generous.  When I think about how they process being wrong, I see a few similar things; There is honesty. There is humility.  There is a sense of humor.  There is optimism. They trust themselves, their judgment, even after a mistake.     

So there is a path to follow, we just have to find the courage to try behaving less defensive, and be more open to risk.  To not tie our self-worth with the approval of whoever is keeping track of when we make a mistake.  Right.  Simple enough to say, but wouldn’t we rather just be right?    

The fact is, if we always put ourselves in the position of being right, we are safe.  And we will never feel that discomfort of being wrong.  And we will not grow to the potential we are given, because every time we are wrong we have the option to learn from it.

I can accept that my purpose in being here is not to be perfect, but to experience and respond in the best way I am capable.  Through that process I can find a rich fulfilling life, and being wrong will no longer be a damaging thing to be feared.  Being wrong will be part of shaping the best me.

I’m just grateful it so rarely happens.

Hope this finds you righting a wrong,

David

Copyright © 2014 David Smith