September 8, 2014
Greetings from the aqueduct,
The ancient Greeks developed indoor plumbing, and are said
to have had flush toilets in homes as far back as the 18th century BC. Some archaeologists have found evidence that
Greek plumbers got three times the regular rate if they had to work weekends.
I am dutifully impressed with our modern plumbing conveniences. To me, it is near miraculous that I can push
a lever anytime and fill a glass with water.
And, with almost the same tiny effort, push another lever to flush a
toilet, and send water running off to wherever the Greeks intended when they
set this up. Those Greeks were
ingenious, what with inventing the yogurt and fraternities and so on.
That is about the total of my plumbing expertise. In my many years of homeownership I have maintained
this level of ignorance. I have mixed
results when replacing a faucet washer.
I can intimidate the toilet enough so that it does not ‘run’ while I am
in the room. After I once used a car
jack to replace a garbage disposal, I was served with a restraining order and
must now stay at least 90 feet away from any plumbing device, if I have a
wrench in my hand.
That has worked fine for me.
I have an irrational fear of burst pipes flooding the house with water
which stems from The Tragedy in Owosso which many readers will remember. Regardless, I have been happy to keep my
distance from copper and PVC and all things plumbed.
It’s not always easy.
One day this summer, my son Carson announced that the toilet was clogged. Without being too detailed, my son Harrison
was blamed. (He was actually a couple
hundred miles away at the time, which made him fair game.) I suggested that Carson find the plunger and
solve the problem, which was met with some resistance. There was a little discussion about
responsibility and learning life skills, and then a brief instruction on how to
locate the plunger in the mélange of miscellanea in the laundry closet.
The plunging of a toilet is not a complex procedure and when
applied effectively has an easily measured outcome. There is a sound that one might associate
with success in this regard. I did not
hear it. Instead I heard: “This thing
doesn’t work.”
Determined not to be lured in, I dispatched another son,
Sawyer, to assist in the effort. There
was natural resistance, given his two levels of separation from the issue. I
appealed to his ego, bestowing on him a mantle of proficiency: “You live in an apartment full of guys; you
probably deal with this all the time. Go
show him how it’s done.” Sawyer, full of
worldly bravado, and no small amount of schadenfreude, leapt into the fray.
I could hear muffled voices coming from that part of the house,
but nothing I could identify as the previously mentioned sound of success. The voices grew louder, and I could hear the
tone of disagreement, and a hint of dissension.
A voice called out “It’s not
working. And now the water is getting
higher.” I knew I had to squash this or
face actual hands-on involvement.
An innocent bystander happened to be in our kitchen, a close
friend of the boys’ who we will call ‘Casey’, mostly because that is his name. Casey was doing his best to be invisible, and
protect his innocent bystander status, by pretending to eat. Ordinarily
I wouldn’t think of asking a ‘guest’ to assist in solving a plumbing
problem. But this wasn’t ordinary
circumstances, and I stopped thinking of Casey as a guest and more as an
adopted stand in for Harrison.
“Casey. I’m certain
that they taught you how to problem-solve up there at Central. Why don’t you go show those guys from
University of Michigan and Wayne State how to deal with this?”
Casey swaggered off to defend the reputation of his alma
mater. If swagger size was any
indication of expertise, my confidence was well placed in Casey.
I waited.
Silence. I began to wonder if the
three of them were conspiring to entice me back there for some forced
delegation. I called out; ‘What is
happening?”
Silence. Three well
educated, resourceful young men, representing their colleges, had been sent to
solve a relatively straightforward plumbing issue. Sitting in the living room listening for an
answer, it occurred to me they may have snuck out the back door to more
interesting horizons.
Carson finally replied. “We are watching a video on YouTube on
my phone, to see how this is supposed to work.”
Oh. Well of course.
I am in no position to make commentary on the plumbing
capabilities of today’s young people, given my personal deficiencies in that
regard. I’ll just say I have great
confidence in this next generation. I
dare say they will accomplish amazing things.
Maybe not on the scale of a Greek plumber from 4000 years ago, but who
knows?
Hope this finds you plunged,
David
Copyright © 2014 David Smith
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