March 24, 2014
Greetings from the apocalypse,
For thousands of years, the Mayan civilization thrived;
creating international trade, inventing a written language, developing
mathematics and astronomy. They developed
successful agriculture to support millions.
They built enormous, complex feats of architectural genius. They were successful in virtually every
aspect of a large civilization. Then
they vanished.
It wasn’t until recently that archaeologists discovered the
reason for the Mayan’s demise. A group
of explorers found elaborate etchings on a temple wall.
It was 64 brackets. March
Madness ended the Mayan civilization.
The NCAA, (not affiliated with MCAA, ASCAP or the NAACP) has
launched another session of the final competition for the title of greatest college
basketball team in the U.S. 64 teams, (68
technically, if you count the First Four) will progress through the Sweet
Sixteen, the Elite Eight, the Final Four, and possibly other alliterations
involving even numbers. Eventually one
team will claim the championship trophy, a large iconic idol they keep in a
sacred place. Then celebrate by vandalizing
their home town.
It is an exciting process.
Not the basketball games. Talking
about the Brackets. Some people spend so
much time filling out the Brackets they can actually claim them as dependents
on their tax return.
Every year the media wheels out statistics that describe the
loss of productivity due to March Madness that presumably costs American business
billions of dollars. This is a made up
number. In fact, March Madness only
breaks up the loss of productivity due to Facebook and playing ‘Flappy Bird’. In order actually measure loss of
productivity we would have to use Pre-Columbian standards which was the last
time anyone was doing anything other than busy work in between water cooler
gossip.
The main activity during March Madness involves the Brackets. Poring over information, history,
predictions, sports news about who is coaching, injured, or on double secret
suspension. And then filling in the
prediction for how each team will vanquish its various opponents and advance to
ultimate victory. It’s estimated that more
people fill out March Madness Brackets than vote in presidential elections or
attend Daddy-Daughter Dances. Combined.
Integral in the competition is the issue of ‘seeding’. Each team is assigned a seemingly random status
which allows the organizers to create a more confusing schedule of games and
gives the sports commentators something to talk about between commercials. The list of ‘adjectives for ‘upstart’’ is the
third highest Google search during March, following ‘pizza delivery’ and ‘how
to pronounce ‘Gonzaga’, (which is not a cheese; that’s ‘gorgonzola’).
Seeding is critical. There is a committee who selects teams
from each conference and ranks them according to an arcane and unfathomable
system that includes charts with circles and arrows and perhaps human sacrifice. Originally the name of each team was printed
on a grid and laid in a cage. A sunflower
seed was placed on each name. A Coastal
Carolina Chanticleer was released into the cage, and whatever kernel he pecked first,
that team becomes first seed. Hence the
term.
Unlike other events of this sort, gambling is not allowed in
college sports. Captain Renault would be
shocked, shocked.
The big news this year was a contest (not gambling) that had
little to do with basketball. Warren
Buffett, a professional billionaire, offered a billion dollars to the person
who could predict the perfect March Madness bracket. (I don’t know how he got so rich singing
‘Wasted Away in Margaritaville’. ) The
odds of actually winning were 9 quintillion to one. (A quintillion is a billion-billion, not a
formal dance where debutantes go.)
In spite of the daunting odds, millions of sports fans took
a shot, hoping to be the upstart/dark horse/underdog/Cinderella story. The Mayans, first to create the concept of ‘Zero’
could have predicted the number of winners in this contest.
All of this is fun of course. It is a basketball tournament meant to
entertain, to distract us from Obamacare and the price of propane and that
funny aftertaste from aspartame. It is
just a game. Well, a lot of games.
The reason it is called March Madness is: a) It causes
people to get angry when a favored team loses.
b) The hysteria around the sport resembles insanity. c) The term ‘April Asininity’ couldn’t clear CBS’s
censors. d) ‘End of Civilization’ doesn’t
sell t-shirts.
Try not to worry about what happened to the Mayans. I’m sure that bracketology did not destroy
one of the world’s most progressive societies.
There’s no reason to think that we are at risk of extinction just
because we paint our bodies, wear festive headdresses, dance maniacally, or
gather together in large stadiums to watch games and worship idols.
After all, it’s not like we are a primitive culture; we’ve
got Wifi.
As Jimmy V once said, parenthetically; “The real demise of
our society will not come from brackets, but from parentheses.” (Attributed)
Hope this finds you still in the game,
David
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