October
12, 2020
Greetings
from the game changer,
Recently
the dinner conversation across this country has shifted from the latest scandal
in Canadian politics to a matter of more significant import. Intelligent readers already know what I am
referring to: baby carrot shortages.
Long
lines have formed in grocery stores and farmer’s markets, as well as the
emergence of black-market sources for the tiny taproot. In order to add some semblance of legitimacy to
this potentially concocted story, let me remind you that the baby carrot was
invented by Mike Yurosek, a brilliant carrot farmer from California. Up to now, the words ‘brilliant’ and ‘carrot
farmer’ have never been used in the same sentence. I fact-checked this.
Yurosek
is responsible for taking ordinary carrots and carving them into attractive
bite size shapes and repackaging them from the gnarly, hairy things we used to
think of as witch’s noses to the cute little dippable snacks we all enjoy
today.
This
innovation changed the world. Well, the
U.S. world. Per capita consumption of
carrots in the most important nation went from 6.5 pounds per person each year,
to 14.1 pounds per person per year. I
know, right now you are trying to remember the last time you ate ANY carrot,
how the heck is the average person eating fourteen pounds a year?
Doesn’t
matter, because those numbers were reported by the Washington Post which we are
told by other objective media outlets cannot be trusted to tell the truth. So, the number could be higher or lower, or
it’s possible that there is no such thing as baby carrots at all. However, for the purpose of argument, let’s
say there are, and if you are average, which it has been reported as accurate,
you are somehow eating six tenths of an ounce of them each day. Fourteen pounds a year.
For
those of you trying to conceptualize, fourteen pounds of carrots is equal in weight
to approximately two gallons of milk, eleven boxes of Grape Nuts, or fourteen pounds
of potatoes.
It
is also worth noting that fourteen pounds is what the British refer to as a ‘stone’. This may, or may not, be connected to the
thinking that carrot consumption is somehow being controlled by foreign interests. It’s too much of a coincidence to ignore.
And
now, in a time of crisis, there is a national shortage of baby carrots. Retailers have been forced to limit the purchases
of baby carrots to one package per customer, leading to reports, by reliable
media sources, of violence in produce aisles across the country. In a completely fabricated story by the New
York Post, two patrons of Mancini’s Market in the Bronx had to be restrained
from clubbing each other with zucchinis while battling for the last package of
baby carrots. This has led to a
political movement to require licenses for zucchinis, available after a three
day cooling off period.
Evidently the
shortage has led to some baby carrot hoarding.
A man in Wausau, Wisconsin was discovered to have a ten-year supply
(140.10 lbs) in his garage. For those of
you trying to conceptualize, an elephant weighs about 14,000 pounds.
There
are a few citizens who have suggested that the carrot shortage has been fabricated
by the government as a ‘trial run’ to see if society will tolerate a ‘carrot
free’ economy. This theory is part of a
New World Order plan wherein the citizenry would be controlled by the government,
forced to report each purchase of baby carrots, and thereby giving up their God
given right to freedom. Militia organizations
in Michigan are said to be planting enormous rows of carrots in secret gardens
which can be seen from satellite photos I just imagined I could see on my iPhone.
But,
the real reason for the shortage is far more critical. As you know from reliable news sources, baby
carrots have been reported to be a cure for Covid 19. A quick check on YouTube confirms this is absolutely
true. Literally, almost several people
have posted shaky videos of themselves eating baby carrots and not getting
Covid. The CDC has no official position
on whether or not baby carrots will prevent Covid 19 but as some reliable media
sources quoted on a blog page have pointed out, the CDC is funded by PBS and
cannot be trusted.
None
of the four US presidential candidates have addressed this issue, although
there has been some speculation that one them, who appears to be more orange than
his competitors, may be eating large quantities of baby carrots to offset a
recent ‘supposed’ Covid incident. The
mainstream press has not reported on this, except in Canada, where everyone
knows they have socialist health care.
As
Americans we must take a stand for our baby carrot rights, by which I mean put yard
signs on our lawn. The founding fathers
and their slaves fought the Indians and their slaves to make this country free
so we could enjoy the fruits, and vegetables, of our nation’s bounty. It is possible that it is even included in an
amendment to the Constitution, which I will misquote in another essay.
Baby
carrots may have no medicinal value other than the vitamin C and beta-carotene,
but until it’s been proven they don’t prevent dangerous viruses, something must
be done so that Americans can hoard them like toilet paper. Contact your congressperson today, and if you
don’t know who that is, write a vitriolic post on Facebook. Together we can change things for the better.
Hope
this finds you crunching,
David
Copyright
© 2020 David Smith
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