October
1, 2018
Greetings from
the web of webs,
I like to
think that I am a digitally sophisticated person. It’s not true, but I like to think it. This thought occurs to me as I send these
words out through the sorcery of the internet, which I stopped trying to understand
when we lost modem screech.
Before you
read any further, let me assure you this is not a letter from an African prince
asking for help transferring $15 million into the U.S. Also, I am not from Google asking for your
password to your YMCA account so we can fix any bugs. Phishing, (purposely misspelled here to
promote an innovative rock band, which is purposely misspelled to avoid
confusion with the singer ‘Fish’) is so common these days that you don’t know
who to trust. So let me assure you, I’m
ok. Not exactly a Good Housekeeping Seal
of Approval but it’s all a risk nowadays.
Disreputable denizens
of the cyberworld have been working overtime to find ways to delude trusting
sorts. Among the most aggravating
methods is Ransomware. (Purposely
capitalized to avoid confusion with the band Phish.) This is where some teenager
in Russia hacks your computer and locks it up using digital peanut butter. To get your computer back, and the imperative
files therein, you have to pay a ransom.
Ransomware, or
cryptoviral extortion, is paid off through cryptocurrencies. I seriously hope this doesn’t happen to me
because I am already struggling with the ATM, and the idea that I am going to
have to learn ‘cryptocurrency’ (which you just KNOW will be in metric) makes me
shudder. Shuddering makes my screen
freeze up.
Obviously having
your computer kidnapped would wreak havoc in anyone’s life. I know people who have dealt with this problem
and it brings out compound curse words in the kindest soul. But part of me was thinking that this could
be a blessing in disguise.
Suppose someone
locked up my laptop and took all my files and then I told them to just keep
them. Right now seems like a good time. If you find anything of interest, feel free
to keep it or put it on the Dark Web or Wikipedia or print it on the menu at
Choo Choo’s restaurant. I’ll go back to
doing whatever we did before AOL.
I might be
better off without it. Imagine if you could
not access your calendar, or finish that vacuous document, or miss out on Words
with Friends. What would happen next? Sure there are consequences I wouldn’t like;
maybe it would be harder to pay my federal income tax for example. But it’s also possible that there would be a
simpler life on the horizon.
Not having to
wonder, for example, if my appliances are being used to steal my identity would
be a relief. I could go back to just worrying about ordinary burglars and whoever
is stealing my free newspaper from the end of the driveway, instead of being
anxious over whether or not I’m being spied on by a Lithuanian money launderer
through my steam iron.
It is tedious
trying to avoid smart appliances, not even knowing if I have any. To be safe I am careful not to let my toaster
see me sign on to my email account. (password;
refrigerator) Doorbells, garage door openers,
even crockpots, are all connected to the internet and all have the same capacity
for malevolence.
I am not a Luddite.
(Not referring to citizens of Ludington, this is the other Luddite that I’m
not.) I enjoy technology and its conveniences
and access to the vast wealth of intelligence on the internet. (Plus those
great goat videos.) I am just a little
frayed from being afraid. So, perhaps,
taking a page from Elmore Leonard; if I’m asked for ransom I’ll suggest the kidnapper
keep what they took. Let them deal with Outlook. Don’t forget my sister’s birthday.
Someone out
there is right now saying to themselves ‘Better be careful what you wish for.’
So before I start
attracting bad internet juju let me say I am not asking to be targeted by
African princes. Or Fish. Or Prince. I am just feeling a little nostalgic for a
time when getting an email from a friend didn’t require a virus detector.
So
onward. We can be careful without it
crushing our spirit. And while the world
sorts itself out, I may take to writing more letters.
Hope
this finds you dialing up,
David
Copyright
© 2018 David Smith
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