Super Powers

March 26, 2018

Greetings from the gifted,

I don’t like to brag so I don’t usually mention this, but I have super powers.  They are really too numerous to list here, and while admittedly they are not heroic in nature, they are pretty impressive, if I may say so myself and still hold on to the bold lie that I don’t like to brag.

For example, I have the power to choose the correct line to get into at the grocery store.  No matter the number of items, the size of the carts, or how distracting the children are, I can choose the line that will move the quickest.  The only time I am thwarted is if there are other people in line with the same super power, which can happen since we all look like normal people.

Other super powers I could mention would be bagel toasting, sense of direction, advice giving, shoe tying, guessing numbers between one and ten, and remembering names. I should also add identifying cities in movies.  And remembering names.

Some of these have been called into question over the years, due to their fallibility.  As you know super powers usually have some limits (see Kryptonite) and so critics may sometimes claim victory. (See ‘Stopped Clock Right Twice a Day’)

But one super power is unchallenged, not only for reliability but intensity; Choosing greeting cards.  I have a black belt in Hallmark.

I can find cards of any kind for any occasion at the last possible moment.  Need a card for your second cousin’s graduation from Divinity School/Massage College, on his birthday?  I can find it in a gas station that doesn’t even carry greeting cards on the way to the commencement ceremony.  And he will be weeping after he reads it.

I have learned that the super power does not work in advance of the need.  I can’t go to the store and stock up on belated birthday cards or pet sympathy cards, or ‘Sorry You Lost Your Job at Facebook’ cards.  Doesn’t work that way.

First I must be made aware of the need.  There is no searchlight with the Hallmark insignia that is shown on the clouds.  It usually is more subtle, like someone will say; ‘Don’t forget tomorrow is my birthday.’

My super powers begin to tingle as I enter the store and guide me to where I’ll find the cards.  This is the first challenge, particularly in tire stores and places that sell prosthetic devices, where it is really hard to get to the right department.

Then I am challenged with a sea of choices.  There are so many categories, this alone will stop an ordinary person.  Birthdays for him, for her, for undeclared.  Humor, religious, contemplative, African American, step fathers with PTSD, cards for pets.  Condolence cards, ‘miss you’ cards, cards for congratulations, for divorces, for third marriages.  Musical cards, pop up cards, cards made from recycled paper, cards written by Kardashians.

This is where mere mortals are defeated.  They will reach for the first ‘Sorry I missed your Bris’ card that has a smiley face on it and head for the express lane.  My super power allows me to filter out the vast morass of insincerity and trite cliché and find the exact card with the most personal message that matches the loved one/perfect stranger for whom the card is intended.

There are some citizens who, when faced with a greeting card dilemma, will choose from the selection marked ‘Blank Inside’, which is meant to describe the feeling when both buying it and when the person reads it.  Occasionally I have been forced into this choice, however I try to use the space to the best advantage.  For example I might add this;

Here’s a card that had a blank interior

Which made it slightly more inferior

Than other cards with words inside

So I wrote my own to here abide

Once I find a card that is exactly what is needed to express my deep level of emotion, or complete ambiguity (a more difficult card to find) then of course I must add a personal message that seals the bond between gifted giver and privileged recipient.  Here is where I can give turn a ‘Sorry for your devastating beet crop harvest’ into a ‘Welcome to your new home!’ card.

Naturally I can’t share all of my secrets here, and many of them are only understandable by demi-gods of the papyrus.  Suffice it to say, when I write ‘Sincerely Yours’ at the bottom of the card, it leaves no doubt the level of sincerity behind whatever ‘Yours’ refers to.

While you may not posses the super power necessary to achieve the level of success I have, please don’t give up.  Just focus on the person you most want to please.  (We all know that person is you, but in the interest of humanity pretend it’s whoever the card is for.) 

Hope this finds you looking at the back cover for the price,

David

Copyright © 2018 David Smith