August
21, 2017
Greetings from
the shadow,
Because I know
that most of you rely on this forum for important news, allow me to share this
critical bulletin; sometime later today (check local listings) the world go
through a dramatic event where for a while the sun will disappear.
If we were a
slightly more primitive place we would cower in fear, hysterical because the
Bright Light Thing has gone and it’s the end of the world. But please do not panic and start looting or
staging violent protests or sacrificing small animals. This is not the end of the world. It is what scientists refer to as a Total
Solar Eclipse. (Note: end of the world is not really my specialty, and it is
possible that I could be completely wrong.
Check local listings.)
For those who
have stopped paying attention to other news entirely, because you just can’t
believe it, literally or figuratively, I will do my best to explain what this
event is all about.
Once in a
while the Earth, moon and sun line up in their various rotations and orbits so
that our moon positions itself between us (in this example we are on Earth) and
the sun. (The big yellow one is the sun.)
During this time the moon cuts off the sun like that guy who waits til
the last minute to merge in a construction zone, and blocks the light causing
the world to fall into darkness. When
the disc of the moon fully covers the disc of the sun it is called the
Totality. Because Starbucks couldn’t buy
the sponsorship of this eclipse to name it the Venti Machio Dark.
I suppose
there are some who will not react to this, particularly the Flat Earth Society
who have explained the event as ‘Operator Error’. It is an unusual occurrence but not a
completely rare one. There are regular
lunar and solar eclipses in the ordinary course of time and often they happen
without comment. Except among scientists
and people who can’t get cable.
But thanks to
the leaders in the______________(name your favorite political party) this Solar
Eclipse is exclusively for the United States of America. During the prime viewing hours of the eclipse
we will have private viewing privileges in our country. The path of the eclipse will trace across the
country in a diagonal pattern so it is fairly distributed across Red and Blue
states.
Of course the
best viewing will be in a fairly narrow section under the path of the sun, so
someone is going to have to take some Good Old American initiative if they want
to fully enjoy the Totality in its totality.
They will have to migrate to the best position along the eclipse
route. (Those who are unable to fully
take advantage of this opportunity will be invited to sue for reparation at a
later date.)
NASA predicts
today may be one of the worst traffic days in history, because it’s possible 12
million people will drive to see the Full Frontal Sun Show. I would like to pause here to say that when
NASA starts giving traffic updates we need to examine their priorities. I think we got that covered with Chopper Dave
from the Eyewitness News Team.
I know what some
of you are thinking: “How can safely watch the solar eclipse?” (Note; I actually do not know what some of
you are thinking, I’m not Google or the NSA.) The answer is both simple and
complex, just like carbohydrates.
First, it
turns out that Mom was right, you should not look directly at the sun. Or sit too close to the TV. Or buy those hip hugger bell bottoms. Anyway in order to view the solar eclipse
safely you need a special pair of Solar Eclipse Viewing Glasses, which are
exactly what the name implies. They are
super dark glasses that will block the harmful rays from the sun from burning a
hole in your brain. They are available
everywhere except there are none left because the eclipse is today. Sorry about the late notice. By the way, read a newspaper once in a while.
The other
option is to create a Solar Eclipse Viewing Box. It’s easy; first you find a shoebox, and cut
two holes in it. (First remove any shoes inside) Then tape a piece of foil over one hole and
puncture the foil with a pin. Tape a small
piece of white paper inside. Aim the box
at the sun and try not to think about how this looks to the neighbors. Assuming you have followed the directions
correctly, you will then throw the whole thing in the trash and watch it on TV
with the rest of the underprivileged.
Now it is
possible that the Total Eclipse is another hoax perpetrated by the scientific
community to get more money from the government for research on darkness. It’s possible that somehow the Russians have
stolen the sun. Or maybe this is just a
perspective thing, and if we look at it another way it will not be mostly dark,
it will be partially light.
In any case
don’t give in to the mass hysteria that will undoubtedly erupt when suddenly it
goes dark in the middle of the day.
(Check local listings.) Or for any other reason that may distract you
from what normally keeps you sane. Just
follow the Eclipse philosophy and remember that there is nothing wrong with
putting your head inside a cardboard box until the madness passes.
Hope
this finds you looking up,
David
Copyright
© 2017 David Smith
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