June
12, 2017
Greetings from
the flip side,
I like to
think of myself as open minded. Which is
how I excuse the fact that I am sometimes naive and not well informed. Combine that with an overactive imagination
and too many science fiction novels in my formative years, and now you have license
to call me gullible.
So I’ll admit
to being influenced by a variety of theories that have been floated over the
years, including alternative universes, time travel, and the whole thing about
Paul McCartney being dead and Elvis being alive.
But this time
I have done my research and I am convinced.
Recently Rapper
B.o.B. and Cleveland Cavaliers player Kyrie Irving have told the press that
they believe that the world is flat. I
missed that in my headline news feed, (in part because I don’t follow
basketball and the last rapper’s name I knew was Biggie Smalls) but this in no
way minimizes the credibility of these two.
After all, they are famous and successful so they are probably experts
in astronomy. And physics.
But because
these two brave pioneers came out on the subject, Flat Earth experts flooded
the media with interviews, and eventually that bled through into my narrow
cocoon of heliocentric ignorance.
I visited
several Flat Earth websites and blogs and I have learned the truths that have
been kept from us by Neil deGrasse Tyson and those whackos at NASA. Astrophysics, the ‘theory’ of gravity,
geology, the fairy tale about the changing of the seasons, all of that is made
up. It is one of the longest running
pranks in history.
So; the earth
is not a globe, it is a disc. The ‘north
pole’ is at the center, and the perimeter is surrounded by a wall of ice, which
we see as the ‘south pole’. No one knows
what is beyond this wall of ice. We are
not spinning on a ball, we are spinning on an LP. There is a variety of proof
for this, but it begins with the fact that when you look at the world it is
flat.
I went outside
to prove this and it’s true. I was just
on my deck, (flat) and looked as far as I could see and the world is flat. I went to my neighbor’s yard; flat. It has
been staring me in the flat face my whole life.
What occurred to
me this morning is that if the earth is flat, it only makes sense that there is
another side, probably populated with another 8 billion people! And they are spinning in the exact opposite
direction as we are. Imagine that. (I
wonder if THEY know the world is flat.)
This would
explain why sometimes at night I can hear people talking outside my window, and
then I look and there is no one there.
Or why sometimes I hear a loud ‘thunk’ from an unknown source, or the
sound of music that I would not listen to.
It is just our downstairs neighbors on side B.
Armed with
this new knowledge I have been propelled into postulating solutions for the
world’s problems. For example, it’s
possible there is a conduit between our side of the earth and the other
side. I believe this is where my missing
socks go when I do the laundry.
Recently the
carnival came to our little town and I saw the ‘Round Up’ ride, which is
basically a giant flat disc that spins.
The people on the ride are pinned to the circumference by some magic
force that also induces nausea, disorientation and dizziness. Combining this scientific study with my new
knowledge about the spinning disc we live on, I think I may have discovered the
source of a host of illnesses, not to mention the effects of alcohol. I plan to submit this information in a paper
to the New England Journal of Medicine.
This
revelation has opened up a whole new world to me, literally. I will look at my place on our plane in a
whole different way, one with less dimension and the without the distraction of
science and natural laws. It is so
refreshing and liberating to finally see the world through the eyes of a
child. Or a dachshund.
Hope
this finds you holding on,
David
Copyright
© 2017 David Smith
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