Forced Harvest

November 9, 2015

Greetings from the pile,

If I wanted to be a farmer I might have made some other choices earlier in life.  I might have studied horticulture, or started a garden, or shopped at Tractor Supply for my casual clothes.  But I didn’t.  And now my right to make my own life choices are being ignored.

Every fall in this part of the country there is a clamor and rush to see the trees changing colors, which I admit is beautiful.  However, there is a dark side to this season that quite possibly violates constitutionally protected rights as written by the founders of this country.

Because what comes after the color tours and hayrides and corn mazes and pumpkining is what I hope will become famously called ‘Forced Harvest’.  Right now, just outside my window, is a crop of golden orange produce piling up in the yard.  I didn’t plant it, it’s not edible, and doesn’t serve any purpose I can imagine, and I am not volunteering to collect it.

I am a victim of Autumn.  My beliefs and my personal preferences as a leaf abstainer are being trampled on.  I imagine that there are people all over this latitude that are having this same conflict.  So today, as a public service I will provide the platform for our rallying cry.

First, not raking your leaves is environmentally responsible.  Using fossil fuels to blow, mulch, or transport dead leaves can erode the ozone layer and contribute to climate change, or global warming, whichever comes first.  Research has shown that allowing your leaves to disintegrate naturally in your yard is healthy for your lawn and produces an excellent ground cover for hibernating frogs, which might be considered an endangered species if a lot of them died.

According to statistics that were recently suggested by numbers I have seen, over 75% of people who avoid leaf raking develop better complexions and whiter teeth, find romantic love, increase their income and lose unwanted belly fat within thirty days.  You read that correctly: thirty days.

The American Chiropractic Association recommends good spinal care, which clearly implies that the physical act of raking leaves is contrary to their mission.  The counter-ergonomic action used in the raking motion can put unwanted pressure on the lumbar portion of the back, which can lead to expensive x-rays.

While facts do not allow me to go into great detail here, everyone knows that heart attacks are the leading cause of death in our country.  It is possible that extreme exertion could lead to what is known in some paragraphs as ‘leaf induced myocardial infarction.’  Nine out of ten doctors surveyed have come out against heart attacks. 

  

Right now there are many families who are struggling with the extra burden of expensive gloves, costly leaf bags, and leaf rakes, some of which are imported from China, taking jobs from hard working Americans.  Little children are going to bed with blisters on their tiny hands.  Is that what you want?

And I think it goes without saying what this means for gun rights, Americans with disabilities, pet owners, oppressed minorities, disenfranchised voters, parallel parking, and the LGBT community. 

It’s time to put an end to this madness.  Sure we could abide by certain social pressure and supposed ‘ordinances’ that try to force us to collect and package up deadly mold spore-laced leaves and ship them off to someplace they can get into our water system.  That’s right.  You might be drinking mold.

Life is too short for all of this.  Join me for whatever reason inflames your sense of righteousness, and let’s put an end to the Forced Harvest and the suffering it brings.  Let Leaf Freedom Ring!

Hope this finds you burning leaves in effigy,

David

Copyright © 2015 David Smith