Whine Factor

July 28, 2014

Greetings from the disgruntled masses,

My experience with air travel has revealed an interesting element that is common with most humans.  It is called the Whine Factor.  It is present in almost all travel experiences.  People flying across the country in climate controlled cabins, in comfortable, albeit cramped, reclining chairs, able to get food and water just by pressing a button, still are challenged with the compulsion to complain.

For perspective, early travelers who were crossing this country often used the Conestoga wagon, which travelled at approximately the speed of smell.  If there was a passable road, they could cross the country in about six months, unless they were eaten by something.  The Whine Factor in this era was enormous and was the leading cause of gunfights and time-outs.  We have come a long way since then, but still not far enough to eliminate the Whine Factor.

When it comes to air travel there is actually a formula to explain the Whine Factor.  You have to expand the amount of time spent in preparation to fly, and recovering from flight, season it with a little inconvenience, and then liberally agitate the process with caffeine.   The formula actually looks like this:  WF=(complaint)xΩ/c*/(&)3.3≥Ω∞√≈ⅎ (blech).

Or in story form:

“So I got up at 4 am, drove to the airport, stood in line to check in, then through security, then waited 2 hours for the plane, which was delayed so I missed my connecting flight and had to sleep in Akron.  And when it was all said and done, I could have driven it in less time.”

The convenience of air travel is counteracted with the inconvenience of air travel.  The effect is exacerbated by petulance, amnesia, and mild indigestion brought on by eating pretzels for breakfast.  The only way to truly resolve the Whine Factor is for planes to go faster.

In a typical flight across the country, the jet is flying around 5-600 mph.  If you actually took off from LaGuardia, five and a half hours later, you would be at LAX, or at least circling the airport.  In theory, this might seem reasonable.  However, with the other factors at work, it becomes obvious this must be improved.

We already have the ability to fly at faster than the speed of sound, or in macho terms, Mach 1.   In fact you may remember the Concorde, a commercial airliner that could fly at Mach 2, which would get you coast to coast in less than two hours.  The Concorde was retired after about 27 years because passengers complained that traveling at twice the speed of sound they could not hear each other whining about the slow galley service.

This experiment taught us one thing: still not fast enough to outstrip the WF.

We are moving a little closer this year.  Virgin Galactic is offering tickets today for its suborbital flights that could in theory connect New Yorkers to LA in about an hour.  There is a slight risk of leaving the earth’s atmosphere and careening off into the gravitational pull of the moon, which could change the entire Flight Attendant Safety Speech at the start of the trip. 

I have done the math and I believe that this will still not solve the Whine Factor.  One hour of travel time still won’t offset the complex inconveniences of traffic, parking, baggage handling, snarky counter clerks, and self-absorbed divas travelling with exotic lap dogs, not to mention the $250,000 ticket price.  (¥≤®§/+crabbybaby$$??!(f10*&)=L 

We need to go faster. 

I think in the interest of human development we should be pushing to travel at the speed of light.  Yes, it sounds a little risky, but my calculations show that it has the greatest chance of erasing the Whine Factor, as you can see here:  ∆!e=mc²*90% ≥WF? J.

This would put us at speeds approximately 671 million miles per hour.  Or for our purposes, from NY to LA in a little more than .013 seconds. 

There would be some risks.  As any physics expert will tell you, when an object approaches the speed of light, its mass increases exponentially, which means that virtually all of our luggage would be over the weight limit causing enormous fees.

There is some speculation that traveling at this speed we would actually BECOME light.  This could have a profound effect on how our clothes fit after the trip. Scientists, and airline executives, have not completely resolved this concern, but I have been assured that in the event that you cannot be restored to solid matter at the end of the trip, you will be given a food voucher good at any Auntie Anne’s Pretzel kiosk.

In order to fully strip ourselves of the Whine Factor and evolve as humans, it’s imperative we push past the current limits of air travel and explore the potential of sub- second coast to coast flight.  It is only then will we be truly free from the sound of our own whining.

I suppose that there could be other solutions to the Whine Factor.  It might be that no amount of speed will offset the challenges of moving from one place to another.  Perhaps changing the world of travel is not the answer; maybe it is the world of the traveler that should be the target.   It is possible that I am overlooking an adage that, for many of us, outranks the principles of physics.  “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Hope this finds you arriving at your destination,

David

Copyright © 2014 David Smith