Vladolympics

February 17, 2014

Greetings from between the rings,

I think at some point when I was a little boy I may have wanted to be king of the world.  I couldn’t have known then that what I was dreaming of was to be Vladimir Putin.

First, allow me to say that I am not qualified to comment on foreign leaders, global politics, or for that matter, sports.  However, if I only wrote about subjects in which I have any informed opinion, this column would be called “Coffee”.

There is a sentiment among certain international cynics that the Sochi Olympics are largely a ‘vanity project’ for the Russian President, Vladimir Putin.  Granted, he managed to somehow convince the Olympic Committee to stage the winter Olympics in his favorite seaside resort, a somewhat tropical spot for that venue.  But that could have just to make it convenient for people to travel to.  What with it being only just one exit past Youcantgettherefromhere.

Never mind the whispers of corruption and the vast amounts of the $50 billion being spent remaking Sochi being siphoned off to the Russian mafia.  Pay no attention to the reports of substandard housing in the Olympic village, along with putrid water, power outages, and dangerous conditions on the slopes.  What is really important is how President Putin will be remembered.  The medals for all those activities in Sochi are sort of a footnote.

If you look up the word ‘swagger’ in the dictionary you will find a reference to how that move was perfected by the current President of Russia.  He has a reputation for a somewhat strong-handed style of governing, not unbefitting a real czar, and you can’t fault him for that; he’s the king of the world.  And give him props: he turned a fishing village into a bazillion dollar Olympic Village.

President Putin and I have some things in common, so I feel comfortable making ill- informed commentary.  We both have similar hair styles.  We both are of slightly below average height; he slightly less than average than me.  We both like to go shirtless for the media.  We both speak English.  We are both men of significant egos, mine more

‘-centric’ his more ‘-maniacal’.

I think if I were President Putin I would go all the way with it.  Really put my mark on the games.  If I were Bad Vlad, I wouldn’t stop at putting the Olympics in my back yard.  I would make the games more macho and Russian.  More Putin.

For starters, these Superhero spandex costumes that seem to be all the rage by the skiers and skaters?  Swap them for tunics and big fur hats.  There would be shots of vodka before each run down the giant slalom.  There would be Cossack dancing by the athletes during every event.  Olympic medals would be replaced by Matryoshka nesting dolls.

 

If I were Vlad, I would definitely make the events more macho.  Send the speed skaters down the luge track and then let the Curling teams hurl their ‘stones’ down after them.  Whoever gets to the bottom wins. 

I would have the hockey teams and figure skaters compete on the ice at the same time.

Send the biathletes into every event just to spice things up.  Or maybe just give everyone a rifle. Have the skeleton racers use real skeletons.  Snowboarding would include jumping over bobsled teams, riding flaming bobsleighs.

My guess is that NBC would love this.  The Winter Olympics are a huge gamble for the network, and anything that would raise viewership would be welcome, so Putinizing the games would probably be cheered. 

I know this sounds a little snarky and jingoistic.  To be fair, wherever the Olympics are held there will be influence by politics and culture.  I guess it’s possible this could become a trend of some kind, where the leaders of other countries who are hosting the Olympics could use the event as a personal expression.

France’s President Hollande: “Come to the Paris Olympics: we promise not to judge who you bring with you.”

U.S. President Obama: “Come to the Chicago Olympics.  If you like your coach, you can keep your coach.”

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia   “Come to the desert for the 2018 Winter Olympics and we will make the price of oil so low that you will sell your Prius.”

Cuban President Raul Castro: “Cigars for everyone! My brother said it was ok!”

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, North Korea: “Winter Olympics in Pyonyang! Our official mascot of the Games will be Dennis Rodman.  New events will include ‘Missile Launch’ and ‘DMZ Slalom’”

Hope this finds you rolling your eyes,

David

Copyright © 2014 David Smith