January 13, 2014
Greetings from where I behave,
“If a man be gracious and courteous to
strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no
island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them.” Francis Bacon
Kearsley Park is an expansive oasis of green in the heart of
the city where I grew up. Lots of places
to run and play. There was a public
pool, a creek to explore, a beautiful pavilion, and giant playground with
jungle-gyms and slides and swings and merry-go-rounds. It was Mecca for a small boy.
One afternoon my mother brought us all to the park to play,
and I remember running to the slide, a giant sheet metal and steel invention
towering above the grass. My six year
old brain shrieked in excitement. I got
to the slide, my heart racing, anticipating the thrill before me. But there were other kids waiting in line
with the same intention, and somewhere in my head a switch fizzled out and I pushed
another boy aside so that I could be next up the ladder. I felt victorious. I raced up the ladder, the unstoppable
explorer.
My exhilaration ended when I reached the bottom of the
slide. My mother, having witnessed my
behavior, reminded me in words and actions that what I had just done was
unacceptable. I sat in the grass, wounded
spirit and stinging backside, forced there to consider my transgression.
My parents raised five children and sent them out into the
world with a variety of gifts and strengths.
One of them, drilled in with the discipline of the Greatest Generation,
was to be polite, to be good mannered.
Some weeks ago I was in a traffic jam, a misnomer in that
the word ‘traffic’ suggests movement.
Several hundred cars were trying to squeeze through a narrow exit in a
chaotic parking lot. The parking lot lines were coated with snow, so people wedged
into random places, wherever it was convenient, and so when it was time for
everyone to leave, it was mayhem. There
was no order, no authority to manage things, no signs, no obvious rules, and no
sensible response from anyone. And so
left to our own devices, we descended into anarchy.
I glared at the cars ahead of me, impatient and anxious,
annoyed at the people trying to force their way into the space in front of me,
determined never to give way. People
were abandoning the rules of auto-etiquette, if there is such a thing. The longer it took to inch forward, the angrier
and more selfish I became. I ignored the
impulse to behave as I have been raised, and gave way to other instincts. In fact, I felt like we were a blink away
from violence.
I have driven in New York and London and L.A. and Chicago
and Atlanta, and almost any major city you can name in the U.S. And so I am accustomed to aggressive driving,
and there is really very little that would surprise me about how people behave
in cars. Except, in retrospect, my own
actions.
It’s just survival right?
I have to get where I’m going, and I have to do what it takes. What if I behave in a courteous way and the
response is disrespectful or someone takes advantage of me? What if some jerk waits til the last minute to
try to squeeze into the merge lane? How
can I put up with that injustice? Hmmm.
This sort of attitude seeps out into the day, it’s not just
driving. It’s shopping at the holidays,
or battling hectic airports, or lining up at the doctor’s office window. Then it’s how we treat the clerk on the
phone, or our assistant or the mail carrier.
It is not just about how much time things take. It is arrogance, and self-centeredness. I become concerned with someone taking
advantage of me, or getting the better of me.
Or getting ahead of me in line. I’m
not proud of the fact that those weaknesses bubble up in me from time to time,
and I am certain that my Mom wouldn’t be either. Frankly, neither would my children.
This has been floating around in my mind for some time, and
it is now apparent that I need a refresh on my attitude. I am not on any soap box, or trying to
campaign for some political change or new curriculum in school. I am just here to re-commit to what I have
been taught since I was old enough to know better. I am going to be polite. I am going to say “After you.”
There is a moment in which we may say something like this
that takes nothing away from our self-worth, does not demean us or lessen our
world. Because then it is our choice. We can choose to say “After you” before
someone takes that away from us.
Common courtesy, civility, respect, manners. My parent’s choice to instill their children
with these tenets was first so that we could survive as a family without
resorting to throwing butter at the dinner table. I am sure they wanted our behavior to reflect
well on the family and for us to know how to function in civilized society.
But in this there is a foundation for us to persist and grow
as the human race. There was a time when
primitive man was faced with survival on a daily basis, battling hostile
environment, and larger stronger predators.
Eventually we learned that cooperating with one another, banding
together to hunt, to protect, to share resources, to take care of each other,
we made a better life for all of us. It is
a pact that exists today, in varying degrees.
But it is a fragile thing.
The further I get from empathetic understanding of my fellow humans, the
larger the crack in the pact. And that
understanding will begin with “After you.”
There is a temptation to talk about ‘the world today’ and
kid’s poor behavior and bullying and the effects of TV or video games and
whatever else we include in our ‘world today’ diatribe. But we
make up the world today. Holding a door
for someone, or giving up a parking place, or giving way to an inconsiderate
driver, doesn’t solve the ills of the world.
It heals your own heart. And the
pact.
If this seems all a bit much to make out of common courtesy,
you might be right. But
I need to be the change I want to see in the world. And if I just say “After You” instead of “Me
First” it is a small start.
Hope this finds you citizen of the world,
David
Copyright © 2013 David Smith
No comments:
Post a Comment